WITCHCRAFT has increased by around 700 per cent across Britain in the last 12 months.
Officials said sorcery and the dark arts had taken hold in almost every community, from multi-million pound townhouses in Kensington to council flats in Manchester.
A government spokesman said: “It really is a sharp increase but no-one knows why. And it’s the particularly nasty stuff involving incantations, pentangles and an enormous amount of entrails.
“It’s quite terrifying really. Oh well.”
Anna Fisher, from Doncaster, said: “Yeah, we’ve noticed it round our way. Nobody goes to the pub anymore. They’re all at home doing stuff with entrails and then coming into work the next day and pointing at you with their long, boney fingers.”
Karen Phillips, a management accountant and utterly terrifying witch from Hatfield, said: “I started doing it last September. There’s a real sense of community. Although I would say it’s not for the squeamish.”
According to the Office of National Statistics, acts of witchcraft are highest in Swindon, Hartlepool and Peterborough because the local populations are intrinsically evil.