UKIP demands vetting of cathedral architects

CATHEDRAL architects must be vetted so they do not design buildings that look Turkish, UKIP has demanded.

The party said British cathedral architecture has been corrupted by multiculturalism, resulting in the use of colourful bricks and ambiguous domes.

Leader Nigel Farage has demanded the abolition of the Royal Society of British Cathedral Architects, ‘if such a thing exists’, and called for a ‘back to basics’ approach to all churches more than 160ft wide.

He added: “Britain could have a great 21st Century cathedral building industry. But we have to build the sort of cathedrals that people actually want.

“I know I speak for everyone when I say I’m sick of having cathedral designs foisted on me by trendy Muslim Eurocrats.

“Meanwhile, Westminster Cathedral should be replaced temporarily with Norwich Cathedral while we work out how to build a new cathedral that doesn’t look like a kebab shop.”


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Everything to be given to Richard Branson

ALL remaining public assets are to be transferred to Richard Branson to see what he does with them.

Following the sell-off of the East Coast mainline to Virgin, Branson has been asked to take charge of the NHS, the Highways Agency, Revenue & Customs and the Royal Family.

The entrepreneur, one of two which the public can name, is widely trusted because of his beard, smile and the huge enduring affection for Tubular Bells.

Delivery driver Stephen Malley said: “I think Branson’s great because he doesn’t wear a bowler hat, unlike a lot of these stuck-up types you get.

“If I could I’d sign my entire pension over to him to do whatever he likes with. Even if he lost the lot I’d respect him for having a go.”

Branson said: “It’s a lovely offer, but unfortunately I’ve already got a private island and that one’s somewhere nice.

“Maybe see if Dragon’s Den are interested?”