Ukulele market crashes

THE second-hand value of a ukulele has plummeted to £1.12 after thousands simultaneously lost interest in the stringed instrument.

Six months ago, a decent quality beginner-level ukulele with case was valued at £45.

Experts had predicted the crash – which follows a year-long ‘speculative uke bubble’ during which legions of middle-aged men took up the inexpensive instrument in the hope it might make them feel alive again – although they have been shocked by its severity.

Tom Logan, musical instrument market analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “All the conditions were right for a perfect ukulele storm.

“First, the number of ukulele players in the UK now far exceeds the demand for ukulele recitals, which despite being exaggerated by enthusiasts and Frank Skinner, is almost non-existent.

“The glut of uke players has devalued ukulele proficiency so players are no longer considered cool, if indeed they ever were.

“Add to this the uke owners who have simply lost interest organically, after having achieved sufficient mediocrity to strum When I’m Cleaning Windows quite slowly.

“This triggers a mass offloading of ukuleles onto Ebay, into car boot sales and in some instances even free ads papers.

“We had hoped that Britain’s current obsession with all things vintage and ‘retro’ may have been enough to sustain the ukulele. But sadly not.

“And I don’t think the market has bottomed out yet.  Expect to see former ukulelists in the street, trying to swap their instruments for potatoes.”

The current uke crash is the first major instrument catastrophe since Recorder Wednesday in 1993, when millions of schoolchildren simultaneously quit the simple wind instrument after tiring of the one-note tune Busy Bee.



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Fathers pretend to want internet porn ban

A PROPOSED new service to block internet porn has met with fake enthusiasm from fathers.

The service, ostensibly favoured by thousands of hollow-­eyed middle-aged men with hugely overdeveloped forearms, would mean that parents have to ‘opt-­in’ to internet pornography.

Parent Tom Booker said: “This can’t happen a moment too soon. It’s horrific to think that children could get access to the sort of filth that I regularly fizz up a spunk shandy to.

“Sorry I meant ‘research in my capacity as a concerned parent and moral guardian’.

“Youngsters definitely need to be protected from Latino MILF gangbangs and that Estonian cam girl with the green eyes who has no boundaries.”

However, the opt-in scheme was not welcomed by all.

Committed masturbator and father-of-three Stephen Malley said: “This is just do-gooders interfering with our human rights. Most specifically, the right to watch depraved filth.

“Of course there’s nothing more important to me than my kids.

“But depraved filth comes a close second.”

Mother Nikki Hollis said: “Pornography can be incredibly damaging, especially to vulnerable adult males like my husband.

“It’s hard to respect a man you’ve caught in the spare room ‘just looking at Autotrader’ while naked from the waist down.”