AN army of uncovered nipples is wreaking havoc across Britain.
The freed nipples wreaked devastation on terrified civilians yesterday, smashing and looting their way through formerly peaceful, nipple-less streets.
Liberated nipples overturned a police car while others cheered and threw missiles at cowering officers.
Shopkeeper Wayne Hayes said: “I was minding my own business when this gang of nipples came in.
“At first I assumed they were male nipples, and I thought nothing of it. By the time I realised they were lady nipples, it was too late. I barely escaped with my life.”
Nipple leader Donna Sheridan said: “My fearsome areolas were once contained in a prison of cotton gauze and wire. But now they are free to sow chaos everywhere I go.”
As onlookers fled screaming, decent people demanded to know how the nipples were freed with no thought for the consequences.
Stephen Malley, from Edinburgh, said: “I expect to see nipples only in certain circumstances, when they have been properly sexualised. Put them back on the internet, where they belong.”