Uncovered nipples on rampage of destruction

AN army of uncovered nipples is wreaking havoc across Britain.

The freed nipples wreaked devastation on terrified civilians yesterday, smashing and looting their way through formerly peaceful, nipple-less streets.

Liberated nipples overturned a police car while others cheered and threw missiles at cowering officers.

Shopkeeper Wayne Hayes said: “I was minding my own business when this gang of nipples came in.

“At first I assumed they were male nipples, and I thought nothing of it. By the time I realised they were lady nipples, it was too late. I barely escaped with my life.”

Nipple leader Donna Sheridan said: “My fearsome areolas were once contained in a prison of cotton gauze and wire. But now they are free to sow chaos everywhere I go.”

As onlookers fled screaming, decent people demanded to know how the nipples were freed with no thought for the consequences.

Stephen Malley, from Edinburgh, said: “I expect to see nipples only in certain circumstances, when they have been properly sexualised. Put them back on the internet, where they belong.”

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Share plunge may have been caused by bad cocaine, admit stockbrokers

STOCKBROKERS have admitted the collapse in share prices was probably caused by some disappointing gak.

Trillions of pounds were wiped off the value of everything after a batch of inferior Colombian toot gave traders dangerous amounts of self-awareness.

Stockbroker Julian Cook said: “The health of the global economy is based on two things; whether or not I got munted last night and how much grade-A charlie I’m snorting in the lavs just to get me through the day.

“Minor details like how much money a company makes are secondary to how big a hole I’m chewing in the side of my cheek.”

Prices continued to fall this morning as traders were forced to use Red Bull and codeine until their ‘guy’ drops something off while dressed as a motorcycle courier.

The slump is the worst since 2007, when a batch cut with too much amphetamine caused traders to sell stocks every 0.15 seconds until everybody lost track of who owned what.