Universities warn first-year students may return home as tossers

STUDENTS returning home for Christmas may have become pretentious twats with silly clothes and provocative beliefs, universities have warned.

Parents have been advised to prepare themselves for upsetting changes in their children, such as becoming a generic ‘alternative’ person who totes around a set of bongos.

University welfare officer Julian Cook said: “We regret that your beloved son, who lived for Call of Duty, may return with beads in his hair and declare himself pansexual.

“There is also a strong risk that your daughter will have ended her relationship with Tim, who is nice, and will instead claim she is a creative genius putting on an Edinburgh show called Death by Toastie. 

“Your first instinct will be to blame drugs. It is not drugs, or not only drugs. Sadly, your children have succumbed to the intoxicating effects of too much freedom.

“During this period you may have to argue about why heroin should be not only legal but free over your Christmas dinner, but the worst of it should have faded by summer, replaced with the more powerful conviction that their housemates are twats.”

First-year politics student Tom Logan said: “University has made me a deeper, more mature person. That’s why I’m wearing this Rastafarian hat.”