TUITION fees and high-interest student loans have returned Britain’s universities to the domain of the wealthy and stupid, as they were intended to be.
As the scourge of intelligent teenagers from the lower orders retreats, the UK’s posh thickos can relax in their hallowed seat of learning without fear of being irritated by chippy oiks who have done the reading.
Julian Cook, who is completing a Classics degree while his father keeps a position at Lloyd’s open for him, said: “All that knowledge and meritocracy nonsense dragged the place down.
“These… people, often from the regions, swanned around like they owned the place. Which they don’t. It’s owned by the Duke of Westminster.
“The drawbridges had to be pulled up. The tuition fees are a fag to pay – my father received a full grant in his time, the family’s expert at concealing assets – but have discouraged them. Now I’m off to bang my head into a tree while laughing uncontrollably.”
Professor Denys Finch Hatton said: “Oh, they were so inconvenient. Wanting to be ‘taught’. Don’t they know I’ve got books to write? What’s wrong with earning a first in Medieval English by being passable at rowing?
“It’s a mercy they’re gone and I can spout Latin at uncomprehending chinless inbreds again. That’s what higher education is meant to be about.”
