Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

Nikki Hollis earns a healthy income from counselling people, despite having done countless idiotic things in her own life such as repeatedly dating clearly awful men and joining a religious cult.

Friend Tom Logan said: “Somehow she did a counselling course while she was unemployed for the umpteenth time.

“It’s only a couple of years ago that she was living with a cult who thought Jesus was coming in a UFO.

“I hope she’s not giving relationship advice because her typical boyfriend is some sleazy married bloke twice her age, or a local weed dealer with 14 kids.”

Hollis said: “I’m the ideal counsellor because I’ve been through a lot in my own life, not to mention my extensive knowledge of tarot, past-life regression and moon magick.

“Just today I was able to draw on my own experiences and advise a depressed woman to give up her job and become a street juggler in Rome.

“I get a real buzz out of helping clients like Peter who’s unable to perform sexually. He just needs to listen to his heart and have an affair with his cousin.”

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Gove hoping for 'bumbling idiot butler' role in Trump household

MICHAEL Gove is hoping Donald Trump will hire him as his ‘bumbling British butler’ when he becomes president, it has emerged.

After meeting the president-elect, Gove confirmed that he would not turn his nose up at the chance to wake Trump every morning with his morning coffee and hate mail.

He said: “I’ve seen pretty much every episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air so I know how I’d be expected to behave, which could include ‘blacking up’ but that would really be up to Mr Trump.”

And if we wants to grab me by my body parts then I’d be more than happy with that too.”

A Trump insider said: “The president has expressed an interest in hiring Gove as his butler but only if Theresa May comes along as his housekeeper and Nigel Farage joins them as stable boy.

Farage’s role would be to look after the president’s racehorses by shovelling their dung into wheelbarrows, feeding them mints and masturbating them when they become too feisty.

You could say it’s quite a demeaning position but he was leader of UKIP so it really is more of a sideways step if anything.”