V-signs added to National Curriculum

THE Department of Education has confirmed that traditional English V-signs will be added to the National Curriculum to preserve our country’s heritage. 

Concerned that creeping Americanisation of our culture has led to a generation of children giving ‘the finger’ instead of good old British Vs, the two-fingered salute will be taught to children from the age of seven.

Education secretary Damian Hinds said: “British people have been flicking the Vs since 1415 and the battle of Agincourt, where we so memorably used them to transcend language barriers and tell the French to fuck off.

“It made me wince to see Robbie Williams, who was meant to be representing his country, giving the finger to a camera at the World Cup. Come on, Robbie. Be obscene like an Englishman.

“Children will be taught the significance and history of the V-sign, from when Churchill stood on the dome of St Paul’s flicking Vs at Heinkel bombers to the career of Liam Gallagher.

“By the time they’re 14 they will be taken on field trips to practice giving bus drivers the Vs, and will learn for themselves how rewarding it can be.”

Hinds added: “Peace sign? Bollocks.”

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Don't you dare start believing, says Southgate

ENGLAND manager Gareth Southgate has warned the public that on no account are they allowed to begin believing in his team. 

Southgate demanded England fans place no hope or faith in his squad whatsoever, despite yesterday’s 6-1 win over Panama, because they know full well what happens when they do. 

He continued: “Focus on the second half. We were crap in that. 

“Please. We’ve had 20 years of belief, and you remember the results as well as I do. The Golden Generation? Rooney? All those title-winning managers, their careers ruined? 

“Put your belief somewhere else. In cricket, in monster trucks, in the writers of Westworld having a clue what they’re doing. Let those things crash and burn. 

“It’s like a reverse Peter Pan: if you believe in England, then England dies.”