Vegetarian excited by single choice on restaurant menu

A VEGETARIAN has rejoiced at the one suitable meal offered on a restaurant menu.

Nikki Hollis was eating with friends in Stevenage last night when she saw the single vegetarian option they had to offer was a veggie burger.

Hollis said: “A veggie burger – thank you so fucking much for going so far out of your way to fit in my wild lifestyle choices. I know it’s totally fucking mental that someone doesn’t eat meat.”

Thank you for even letting me into your restaurant. Thank you, you kings of men, you shining lights, you wondrous joys.”

Hollis asked the waitress if it was possible to have a steak pie and chips, but minus the pie and with some extra salad, but was told that menu substitutions were not allowed.

She then ate the veggie option adding afterwards: “It was alright.”

Could have done with some quinoa in it but I say that about everything.”


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Ask Holly: It has been a mental few days but now I am back in my cage

Dear Holly,

It has been a mental few days but now I am back in my cage and pretty chilled. Aside from the delicious Ribena, I’ve decided I don’t want any part of the so-called ‘free world’. Give me a depressing iron enclosure and a pile of faeces to play with any day over that living hell you humans have to deal with. Any chance of some more Ribena?



Dear Kumbuka,

Only bad mothers give their children Ribena. That’s what my friend Sophie’s mum says. She says she’s not judging, but anyone who doesn’t feed their children a rainbow of organic vegetables everyday is an abusive parent. Also, if you let your child play on an iPad or watch the TV you should seriously consider your reasons for having children in the first place. I told my mum all about what Sophie’s mum said. Mummy did some loud swearing about Sophie’s mum and drank quite a lot of her own special Ribena and I had to go and watch Spongebob Squarepants.

Hope that helps,