‘Very honest’ woman actually just horrible

A 29-YEAR-OLD woman who claims to be very honest and upfront with people is really just horrible, it has emerged.

While most people would be concerned by their tendency to upset everyone they encounter, Emma Bradford is under the misconception that it is an achievement.

She said: “I call it like I see it. I don’t suffer fools gladly and I think people appreciate that.

“But if they don’t, I couldn’t give a shit. It’s their problem not mine.”

Workmate Mary Fisher said: Most people tend to lead with small talk, maybe discuss the weather or what’s on TV, Emma will just go straight in with a detailed character assassination.

“Within the first 10 minutes of meeting Emma she will have called into question your hair style, your clothing, your religious beliefs and in fact the very point of your existence, funnily enough people often don’t like that.

“I guess you could say that she’s a strong personality, or that she’s a total fucking bitch.”

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Derren Brown has hooves instead of feet

DERREN Brown has goat-like hooves because of doing black magic, it has emerged.

The celebrity evil wizard was recently filmed surviving asphyxiation with a plastic bag, an act which could only be done with the help of demonic powers.

Brown’s neighbour Wayne Hayes said: “I was thinking about Derren when I bought some milk, and when I got home it was off. That afternoon I lost a hammer, or at least could not find it for a bit. It all seemed too much of a coincidence.

“The next day I saw him sunbathing in his garden and he had hooves instead of feet. Cloven hooves, like a goat’s, which are the bad kind of hooves.

“That night I prayed for him to be destroyed by God but he was still around in the morning, putting his bins outs.”

Donna Sheridan, from Hartlepool, said: “Whether he is evil incarnate or not, his programmes are very entertaining and I think it would be a shame to burn him at the stake.”