A RESTAURANT noted for its ‘vibrant’ and ‘bustling’ atmosphere is really just a wretched hellhole of noise and heat, it has emerged.
The mildly fashionable Italian restaurant Pizza Fila would be considered an utterly horrible environment if it did not serve ‘authentic’ pizzas with big clumps of leaves on top.
Recent customer Donna Sheridan said: “The first thing that hits you is the deafening noise, which would be illegal if it was a factory or building site.
“It’s also incredibly crowded and hot so your evening consists of a stranger shouting in your face while you become dangerously dehydrated, like one of the punishment scenes in The Bridge On the River Kwai.
“The worst thing is the other customers, though. They’re pretending to enjoy themselves, but you can see from the despair in their eyes that they just want the suffering to end.”
Pizza Fila’s owner, Stephen Malley, said: “The more unpleasant it is, the more customers we seem to get, so I’m thinking of putting the toilets in the dining area and installing UV lights to give them sunburn.”
However Malley admitted he was concerned about losing business to a nearby seafood restaurant where the maitre d’ punches customers in the back of the head.