Sunday, 7th June 2020

Vital train announcement made over inaudible speaker

CRUCIAL information about a train’s running status has been delivered over a speaker that nobody can hear or understand.

Commuter Nathan Muir said that he felt a familiar cocktail of anxiety, anger and resignation as he heard the tinny chatter of the train conductor, who lazily reeled off a lengthy statement that occasionally contained recognisable words.

He added: “The first time I heard something like this I thought it might be something exciting like the Queen’s on board or they’ve found a suspicious package in the bike rack. In all likelihood though it’ll just be that the buffet cart won’t be able to offer an at-seat service.

Holidaymaker Susan Traherne humoured her children by saying that the ambiguous disruption was all part of the English experience: “They were starting to get cranky on the long journey, but the shoddiness of privatised railways really put a smile on their little faces.”

Train conductor Tom Booker said: “Everyone’s going to have to get off at Crewe and squeeze into one of about eight coaches that you can’t tell apart. Got that? Right? Ok, I’m off home."