Vital train announcement made over inaudible speaker

CRUCIAL information about a train’s running status has been delivered over a speaker that nobody can hear or understand.

Commuter Nathan Muir said that he felt a familiar cocktail of anxiety, anger and resignation as he heard the tinny chatter of the train conductor, who lazily reeled off a lengthy statement that occasionally contained recognisable words.

He added: “The first time I heard something like this I thought it might be something exciting like the Queen’s on board or they’ve found a suspicious package in the bike rack. In all likelihood though it’ll just be that the buffet cart won’t be able to offer an at-seat service.

Holidaymaker Susan Traherne humoured her children by saying that the ambiguous disruption was all part of the English experience: “They were starting to get cranky on the long journey, but the shoddiness of privatised railways really put a smile on their little faces.”

Train conductor Tom Booker said: “Everyone’s going to have to get off at Crewe and squeeze into one of about eight coaches that you can’t tell apart. Got that? Right? Ok, I’m off home.”

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Hulk metaphor lapped up by Brexit voters who are definitely not stupid

BORIS Johnson’s hulk metaphor has been welcomed by Brexit supporters who are not stupid and knew exactly what they were voting for.

In a Sunday newspaper interview, the prime minster compared Britain leaving the EU to the Incredible Hulk – a raging, destructive, irrational beast – breaking free from some chains.

He was immediately ridiculed by nine-year-olds.

But Brexit voter Roy Hobbs, 62, from Stoke, said: “Hulk? I love it. I think that might be the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard. We will break free. Like the wonderful Hulk.

“I am going to repeat it all day, every day for weeks. And when we do leave the EU I shall paint myself green and run the down the street waving my arms and screaming as loudly as possible.

“And yet, the London media liberal elite think we’re all idiots.”