Vladimir Putin's demands in return for gas this winter

Britain. Not enough respect I get from you. You want the gas, this winter? You want cosy and warm-warm? This is what I get from you. 

Me on a horse on a coin

You make a 50p for Brexit? You make a 50p for Vlad. Vlad on a rearing stallion, shirt off, abs sculpted, flowing mane of hair. On the other side the Queen with half-smile of repressed eroticism, you got me? I have my sculptor call you. Nice boy but he costs.

Two women a month

Your country you have the ladies, you know? And not 18-already-done-porn like Russians. Send me two a month of your best: your Florence Pughs, your Helen Mirrens, your Jesy Nelsons. They will not regret it except no other man compare, so ruined.

Trip to Salisbury Cathedral

I hear it’s nice. Close associates tell me this.

Me on a horse on the BBC

Those BBC bits between the programmes? Nothing at moment. A waste. Instead Vlad on a horse riding through grasslands, leaping rivers, shooting bear. We have the footage already. Not CGI bullshit, real thing. Verifiable. It will inspire your men.

A knighthood and castle and that shit

I have castles, what? Of course I have castles. I am Putin. But don’t have an English castle or a Scottish castle so give those, and a baronetcy and seat in the Lords and knighthood and all the shit. And front row at next Royal wedding. Don’t bother me they all married. They can divorce.

Our 13 days back

In 1918 Soviets switch calendars from Julian to Gregorian and lose 13 days. I want those days back. Don’t care how you do it, not my problem, but mother Russia gets an extra 13 days this year to redress injustice. I spend them on yacht.

Me on a horse outside Buckingham Palace

In Traflagar Square, at gates of Buckingham Palace, just by Westminster, we have a statue of Vlad on rearing stallion. Not vulgar, maybe 50 metres high and light up so can be seen at night. Vlad very popular in Britain, so everyone will like a lot. You want gas? Get it done.

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PE teacher fully aware it's not real teaching

A PE TEACHER has confirmed he is fully cognisant of the fact that being paid to make kids run around a field is a piss-easy gig. 

Tom Logan, who works at Bayview High School in Sunderland, knows that instructing children to haphazardly fling javelins around is a lot less stressful than the jobs of other teachers, which is why he likes it.

Logan said: “All I do is stand about in a tracksuit and I get paid the exact same as Ms Hewitt who has to force a crowd of hormonal, idiotic teens to understand geometry.

“At no point will any of these students ever need the skills I teach them. When they’re interviewing for a job in a marketing agency or a juice bar, I can guarantee you that they will not be asked to do star jumps or get a rounder.

“And it’s not like any of them are going to end up in the Olympics. Let me tell you the number of professional athletes who’ve passed through these doors: one.

“And that was Sally Gunnell coming in to give a talk on littering in 1997.”