War drives hatred of benefits claimants up to 2006 levels

WAR in Iran, and the prospect of poor people receiving fuel subsidies, has driven national hatred of anyone claiming benefits to levels not seen since 2006. 

The threat of a fuel bailout not benefiting those with high incomes and multiple homes has caused a spike of loathing comparable only to the Thatcher years or the screening of a Channel 5 documentary with the word ‘scroungers’ in the title.

Professor Helen Archer, who teaches class loathing at the University of Durham, said: “It’s a dramatic shift. Five years ago calling a pregnant teenager on a council estate a ‘chav’ was considered poor taste.

“But now Waitrose shoppers have to continue paying energy bills they can easily afford, society has slipped back decades. Expect happy slapping and ASBOs to make a resurgence as an inevitable side effect.

“While once a wartime cost of living crisis would have engendered solidarity, those days are gone. In the modern era, a crumb of support offered to anyone who isn’t you or a pensioner with an exceptional war record is reason enough to hate.

“Of course, when Labour does its usual U-turn from a policy that makes financial sense to a policy that appeases voters, these payments will be a subsidy not a benefit. The resentment will remain and affect political affiliation accordingly.”

Benefits claimant Tom Booker said: “It was lovely to be seen as almost human for a while. But now I will resume my role as a parasitic scourge on civilisation.”

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Two-mile queue to register at NHS brothel

A QUEUE to register at a new NHS brothel in Yorkshire which is accepting new clients stretched for almost two miles. 

The town of Skipton has been without an NHS-registered sexual services facility since 2007, leaving lower-income residents struggling to pay private providers for necessary work they are crying out for.

James Bates, aged 48, said: “I can’t afford what they charge privately. I’ve been doing it myself in the kitchen, using an angled mirror and a pair of pliers, but I can’t say I’ve done a good job.

“Successive government know we’ve been living in a prostitution desert but not one of them has acted. Even now I’m registered I’m told it’ll be four months’ wait for a simple polish, let alone the fillings I’ve been without since lockdown.”

NHS madam Suzie Traherne said: “The problem is the government pays on a scale set in 1945, when many of the modern sex acts we enjoy today were unknown.

“That means someone requiring an oral warm-up, penetration, full access to both boobs and a backshot finish earns me the same as a simple blowjob. It’s economically unviable.

“I’m having to tell customers mid-copulation that if they want me to swallow they’ll have to go private and this is the scale of costs. Which given the situation can be difficult to convey so they end up feeling ripped off. No wonder they go to Turkey.”

Bates said: “I understand the government’s introducing reforms, which is good. State-provided municipal sex is just better than private sex. Yes I’m a socialist.”