We ask you: will you follow the Vatican’s new rules on supernatural phenomena?

THE Vatican has cracked down on a rash of rogue miracles with new guidelines on supernatural phenomena. Will you be toeing the line? 

Roy Hobbs, ghost: “I’ve been haunting this bloody abbey since 1647, and no woke 21st century Pope’s telling me what to do. I shall be marching down a cloister straight through a wall, like always.”

Father Tom Logan, priest: “It’s the statue of the Virgin Mary in our church I feel sorry for. It was going to start crying milk next week. Now it’ll never get the chance.”

Sophie Rodriguez, faith healer: “Christ, how many forms to fill in just to cure a child’s blindness with the power of prayer? And you have to get them notarised by a bishop? Bollocks to that.”

Margaret Gerving, churchgoer: “And you know exactly what’ll happen to any ghosts who break the rules, go on a bloody rampage and turn churches into charnel houses. Hushed up and moved to another parish.”

Nathan Muir, roofer: “Have they ruled on Ghostwatch yet? I still reckon that happened.”

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