We hate your music, say children

PRE-TEENS have confirmed they detest their father’s music, especially The Pixies.

Nine-year-old Nathan Muir confirmed that he would much rather have Now 86 on a loop during car journeys than any music his dad thinks is good.

Muir said: “I know it makes daddy happy to say how much I love the primal energy of The Pixies, but I’ve very little interest in a fat sweaty man who’s really cross.

“Same goes for The Smiths, R.E.M., Sonic Youth, anything that comes in a special expensive box with loads of CDs and a shiny booklet.

“I just want something I can sing along to that doesn’t give me a headache. Failing that, put Radio 4 on so that every eight seconds I can ask what John Humphrys is talking about.”

Muir also asked for a halt to his father’s attempts at getting him to like vinyl records, threatening to put a gouge in his 180-gram reissue of Bryter Later if he does not leave him to play with his Lego.

He added: “I eat breadcrumb turkey dinosaurs, firmly believe vampires exist and my bed is shaped like a space rocket. I’m not really bothered about ‘analogue v digital’.

“And there isn’t enough Sunny D in the world to make me to listen to Neil Young.”

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Bunch of flooding experts acting like smart arses

A BUNCH of ‘flooding experts’ have come up with a lot of fancy solutions three weeks too late.

The ‘experts’ published a so-called ‘open letter’, which is basically an excuse for people who think they are better than you to rub your nose in it.

The pathetic show-offs said they knew all about flooding and that if we did not want any more of it we should do exactly what they say, no matter what.

Martin Bishop, from Somerset, said: “So what you’re saying is that we should make all the water go somewhere else. I see.

“Thank fuck you wrote it down because you don’t want to forget a brilliant idea like that.”

He added: “Do you think maybe we could pump all the shit out of my kitchen before you start lording it over me like a bunch of smart-arse twats?”