What is Great British Railways and why does it mean fares will go up?

A NEW public body called Great British Railways is to be in charge of doubling fares semi-annually. But how will it work? 

What’s happening? 

The biggest shake-up in rail travel since it all went to shit in the mid-1990s. Previous to that, British Rail sandwiches were a national joke. After that it was the trains themselves. 

What is Great British Railways? 

A state-owned body which will set timetables, manage rail infrastructure, sell tickets and most importantly shaft commuters with massively increased fares, year on year. Its name will completely halt the Scottish independence movement, Tories think. 

Will it run the trains? 

Of course not. That would be Stalinist. Instead it will work with private rail operators, notably the French and Dutch governments, to extract eye-watering profits from the British public so other countries’ state-owned rail stay nice and cheap. 

What is it modelled on? 

Transport for London. You know, the one that’s constantly raising fares well above the rate of inflation to the point that barristers earning £75k a year live in shared houses with weed dealers. 

Who will run it? 

No announcement yet, but it’ll be a Tory donor with no experience whatsoever of the rail industry but transferable skills from another monopoly where he made huge profits by vastly overcharging consumers while running it into the ground. They will announce their arrival with a 15 per cent fare rise. 

Are there any positives? 

New flexible monthly season tickets will save anyone who’s in the office twice a week money by allowing them to travel eight times a month. 

That doesn’t sound like much of a positive for the biggest shake-up in rail travel in 30 years. 

No, it f**king doesn’t.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five time-wasting bastards you'll find in the bank

NEED to quickly pop into the bank to see how overdrawn you are? These time-wasting bastards will turn this simple errand into a drawn-out slog.

Customer advisor

The staff hanging out in the doorway are only doing their job, unfortunately it’s a really annoying job and you can’t avoid them. They’ll offer you common sense advice you already knew then send you on your merry way. You mean customers can check their balance on cash machines? Who knew?


Usually found at the front of the queue and bending the ear of the poor bank clerk who is desperately trying to make sense of some confusing tale. As you hang around for ages wondering if you’re being exposed to Covid, it will finally become apparent they didn’t actually need anything and just felt like a natter.

Second home buyer

Not content with having their own place to live, the second home buyer will be happily going through the lengthy process of getting a mortgage again. You’ll recognise them by their entitled attitude and the way they loudly talk about how property prices in Worcestershire are so affordable right now.

Bank clerk

When they’re not casting a steely eye over your pathetic account balance, bank clerks will wring every last piece of personal information out of you for some unclear reason. And because they’ve got quotas to hit they’ll probably sign you up to a credit card you can’t afford that will doom you to bankruptcy.


What are you doing in the bank anyway? There are cash machines everywhere and the bank has an app that was specifically invented to make sure you don’t pester them in person. You don’t even have any money so you probably set off a silent pauper alarm when you stepped through the door.