What kind of annoying Instagram f**kwit are you?

BROADCASTING your life via Instagram automatically makes you a f**kwit. But which kind are you? 

The earnest life coach

These morons spam feeds with inspirational quotes in twirly pastel lettering. Most of them are tedious yet well-meaning pearls of wisdom from Confucius, but every now and then they’ll misinterpret and share one of Sun Tzu’s maxims. Their audience of deluded followers lap them up regardless.

Fancy-lifestyle-in-background wanker

These ones are easy to spot. Is there a new log burner, vermilion chaise longue or a massive Selfridges bag in the background of your selfies? If so then you’re a privileged lifestyle wanker. Other giveaways are the hashtags #countryliving #cotswoldslife and #decriminalisefoxhunting.

American sponsored-content lady

These can be recognised even with the sound off. Her rows of pristine white teeth and ring-light reflecting eyes tell everyone she’s desperate for engagement with a Nutribullet pyramid scheme. Instagram users should block immediately and scroll away as fast as their little fingers can carry them.

The pictures-of-trees person

Do you take dozens of out of focus pictures of trees then compile them into an exhausting Instagram story? If so then you’re this f**kwit. Expect your followers, if you ever had any, to steadily dwindle away because nobody gives a shit about trees, we’ve all seen them. Your mum will be the last one left but will have you muted.

The smug mother

If you bombard your audience with photos of Archie’s Mandarin lesson or Elsa’s grade 4 piano recital then this is you. Be aware that other mothers are monitoring your life closely and plotting your humiliating downfall. You brought it on yourself by sharing photos of how you got your pre-baby body back so quickly.

The fortysomething cyclist

Representation is important. But thanks to marathon runners, people going through a midlife crisis are well accounted for. This means nobody needs to see you squeezed into elastane leggings as you go for a Sunday morning cycle.

The unabashed hot narcissist

Being hot isn’t a crime, but knowing you’re hot and coyly flaunting your body on Instagram should be. You fall in this category if you only post photos of yourself lounging on the beach, or share reels where you’re working out in as little clothing as possible. Everyone secretly hates you and wants to bang you. That’s what you wanted.

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The ability to fall asleep instantly, and other annoying as f**k bedtime habits your partner has

DOES your partner drift off instantly while you lie awake for hours? You might recognise these other irritating bedtime habits:

Listening to white noise

Perhaps your bedmate is soothed to sleep by falling rain or crashing waves? Bully for them. But you’re the one left listening to hours of watery noises once they’re asleep, desperate for a piss yet not wanting to disturb them in case they wake and press play again. Wet the bed and say it was them.

Falling asleep instantly

While you theoretically want your partner relaxed and stress-free, being so chilled they fall asleep instantly is taking the piss. The only way you can achieve instant slumber is after two bottles of Shiraz, and even then you wake up three hours later hungover, paranoid and knackered.

Being strangely hot

Not hot as in sexy; hot as in radiating so much ambient body heat that you want to lie on the bathroom tiles just to feel cool. Taking off your pyjamas doesn’t work either as they wake up thinking it’s an invitation for a shag while you’re more punch-them-hard-in-the-face-for-ruining-your-sleep mood.

Making a weird noise

Snoring is f**king maddening, but at least you know what it is and it’s a regular sound. If your partner makes an odd clicking sound in their throat every so often or suddenly and/or says ‘Get them out of here. They’re milk churns’ you’ll be both perplexed and pissed off. Are they having night terrors? Who gives a f**k at 3am?

Thrashing around

The golden rule of being able to sleep in a bed with another human is that they must not move a muscle except for very quiet breathing. If you find yourself in bed with a twat thrashing like a fish on a hook who kicks you in the shin, you may wish to end your relationship immediately. Or kip on the sofa, whichever’s cheaper.