What kind of wanker talking loudly about your mortgage in a public place are you?

INTEREST rate rises mean boring homeowning bastards are talking about little else. Which sort of git banging on about their mortgage are you?

‘We got a ten-year deal in 2020’

This f**king prick had the luck or foresight to switch deal when interest rates were bumping along the ground like a crawling commando’s cock, and doesn’t he want you to know about it? The veneer of sympathy for others keeps cracking to show the exultant wanker beneath.

‘We just switched last month’

These crestfallen arseholes will be paying more for their house for years because of Truss and Kwarteng, and will never forgive them. Now they’re conversationally casting around to find someone less fortunate than them to make themselves feel better.

‘It’ll be back down by 2025 surely’

Guess when this twat’s fixed-rate deal runs out? A homeowner-turned-soothsayer pores over the financial pages to convince herself interest will soon be back to half-a-per-cent and she won’t lose everything. Ready to embrace any sunny forecast, no matter how mad.

‘My deal runs out next summer’

Like vultures everyone wheels around this human car-crash. Getting a two-year deal on a half-million house! Where was his forward planning, the f**king idiot? People like him relying on cheap money are ruining it for everyone! I hope he’s on the streets! Nobody says those things. Everyone says, ‘Oh dear, that’s bad luck, Andy.’

‘We’re going on the variable rate’

These wild, life-on-the-edge, risk-taking maniacs fascinate and horrify everyone. They could be crippled! Or they might save money! How can they live like this? But imagine the heart-pounding thrills of watching the governor of the Bank of England speak live, knowing his words decide your future.

‘I’m mortgage-free’

Go f**k yourself.

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Completely unrealistic old crushes your partner is pining over

IS your partner glum and distant? They might be pondering how their life would have turned out if they’d married someone else. Here are some of their alternate universe spouses.

Girlfriend/boyfriend from uni

This person benefits from being their first serious relationship and sexual awakening-type stuff. Chances are they also led a charmed student life of smoking dope, dossing around and having sex. You can’t really compete with that when you’re nagging your partner to use the f**king air freshener in the bathroom occasionally.

Breathtakingly beautiful man or woman

Possibly from a previous job, your partner thinks their infrequent and unremarkable chats with this latter-day Lynda Carter or Sean Connery were a ‘rapport’. It’s just being smitten by good looks, but they may well have concocted a complex fantasy about them. They’re probably a writer living in a picturesque cottage with this beautiful spouse and a labrador. What a twat.

First boyfriend/girlfriend

Your partner undoubtedly has fond memories of their first dip in the magical swimming pool of love. If only due to losing their virginity, or at least getting a few hand shandies/inept rubs. A tad unfair on you, because it’s unlikely they could sustain an adult relationship by ‘hanging round the chippy’.

Mostly okay ex

This bland f**ker haunts your partner’s imagination because they’ve created an edited version focusing on their rare interesting moments and odd thoughtful gift. Gone are events like being too bored with them to bother having sex. Or that bitter two-day row over what pedal bin to get. 

Cool girl/boy from school 

Every 80s secondary school had a handful of less-immature attractive kids. In reality, they probably looked like something out of Grange Hill or an Adidas catalogue, but all the other kids fancied them. If you dislike this imaginary competition, stalk them on Facebook and gleefully reveal they’re a haggard supermarket worker or fat, Brexity builder. Of course, they might be a successful, trim DILF or MILF, but you’ll have learned an important lesson about jealousy.

Indie band cutie

More the realm of pure fantasy, but indie bands had a big impact on your partner in their late teens. Typical fantasy shags included: Mark Gardener from Ride, Rachel from Slowdive, Jason from Spiritualised, Miki from Lush. Having said that, most of these bands aren’t doing much these days, so maybe your partner would actually be in with a chance with Toni Halliday from Curve?

Attractive teacher

The bar was set pretty low for your adolescent partner’s massive, enduring teacher crush. Female: pretty with tits. Male: passably good-looking and impossibly cool (he went to see Genesis live). They may have been hot then, but they must be really old by now. Unless your partner’s into gerontophilia, you don’t have much to feel jealous about with Miss Phipps or Mr Dinsdale.