DO you see filling up with petrol as a challenge to piss off other customers? Here are some practical ways to be a forecourt f**kwit.
Announce your arrival
Announce your presence by playing deafening music – the shitter the better, dubstep, Aqua and Bryan Adams are all good – while beeping your horn for cars ahead of you to get the f**k out of your way. Also idle in a position which gives you the best opportunity to pick any pump at your leisure, yet blocks people who just want to buy some sodding petrol and go.
Park without consideration
When you feel the time is right for all activity except yours to grind to a halt, park by a pump in a position to obstruct the one behind, and far enough away to stop anyone driving around you. Only leave your vehicle when engaged in a nauseating conversation with a fellow twat on speakerphone. The attendant will remind you via the PA system not to use your phone. Keep hollering ‘Wot, me?’ until they’re on the brink of an aneurysm.
Use all the facilities
Use everything at your disposal before filling up. Take your time putting on a pair of disposable gloves to ram three weeks’ worth of drive-thru trash into the bin provided, then because you’ve spilt curdled milkshake on your gloves, get new ones. Thoroughly read the card on the pump promoting shit gadgets. Take your time. Chillax.
Cause havoc paying
When queueing to pay, moan loudly about how long it’s taking. When it’s your turn, leave the counter to look which pump number was yours and get a drink from the coffee machine. If hot chocolate is unavailable, select it, forcing the attendant to leave the till and replenish the the beverage you don’t really want. Ask if you can pay half the bill in cash and half on your card, then remember you left your card in the car. Go back, stopping off to get cash from the station’s ATM. By now it will be less of a ‘queue’ and more of a ‘lynch mob’.
Take an eternity leaving
The best attention-seekers make a song and dance of leaving. Meticulously remove any tiny specks of dirt on your car’s bodywork before starting the engine and revving loud enough to almost drown out your own vile music. Adjust the mirrors, indulging your own narcissism, then celebrate with a can of energy drink before throwing away the hot chocolate you never wanted. Don’t forget to check your tyre pressure – anything that prolongs the suffering of others is good.