CONCERNED that in a global crisis there are better things to spend £29 million on than a festival celebrating something half the country doesn’t want? Wrong. Here’s what to look forward to:
Souvenirs made by child labour
Festival UK 2022 happens long after the UK’s child labour laws have been temporarily suspended to make us a thrilling, buccaneering country like Bangladesh. Kids will sew souvenir tea towels and hand-paint plates with scenes of the Sunlit Uplands, whatever they were meant to be.
The Cliff Edge rollercoaster
Hardcore Brexiters love nothing more than careering towards disaster whilst denying anything is wrong so this will be a hugely popular attraction. Everyone else just has to go along for the ride, terrified for the disastrous end awaiting them.
Key worker gladiatorial fights
Public sector workers deserve to die. You know it, they know it, even Gary Lineker knows it, so why not make it entertaining by forcing them to fight to the death in arenas? The winner gets fired.
Live performances by Laurence Fox
Nothing sums up Brexit than the legendary Fox performing his solo acoustic numbers, followed by a few words of simple British common sense, followed by a one-man rendition of classic Lewis episode Generation of Vipers. Attendance mandatory.
An endless stream of piss up a wall
Central to the festival will be a massive sculpture of a giant stream of piss going endlessly up a wall. Attendees will add their urine to the trough then pay an extra £6.80 for the privilege of looking at it.