Thursday, 13th May 2021

What to say about a baby scan that looks just like every other baby scan

HAS yet another acquaintance announced their pregnancy with a sonogram photo that could be night vision footage from Springwatch? Here’s how to respond: 

“Look, it’s waving!”

Banal, cliched displays of parental pride deserve banal, cliched replies. This is the minimal effort, catch-all response that feigns just enough delight while hinting at a precocious level of motor function and self-awareness in the unborn blob.

“I expect an invite to your gender reveal party!”

The ultimate passive aggressive response. Of course, nothing could be more appalling and déclassé, but this allows you to fake enthusiasm while earning secret kudos from onlookers for your witty swipe at the vulgar commodification of pregnancy. Go you!

“Wow, he’s got your ex-boyfriend’s eyes!” 

Questioning the paternity of a baby is a soap-opera mainstay and fun in real life, unless everyone suddenly goes very, very quiet. Best done on social media where you can leave the post up for 20 frenetic minutes then delete it, leaving only puzzling reactions sure to arouse suspicion.

“Fantastic, here’s my dinner!” 

Posting an shot of your dinner – not even a particularly good dinner – will ironically but actually say ‘Your life event is not as important as my meal.’ You could even add a visual metaphor by plating up a fried egg or a single kidney bean – but a fuzzy black-and-white shot of Findus Crispy Pancakes looks as much like a baby as a sonogram anyway, so why bother?

“…” 

Not commenting at all is easier on social media than real life, but either way you’re speaking your truth. Considering the post your signal that it’s time to jettison such an unimaginative acquaintance is wise. A sonogram may as well say ‘Hey, for the next few years we won’t do anything and will be no fun. Who’s in?’ Cut your losses.