Who should you blame when you've massively failed at life?

HAVE you totally bollocksed your life up? Don’t worry, there’s loads of stuff you can blame for your mistakes! Read our guide and feel a whole lot better about yourself.

Your parents

Parents are a ‘get out of jail free’ card when it comes to failure. You can blame their bad parenting for everything from your inability to boil an egg to your shitty A-level results and therefore your crummy job. They’ll have nothing to come back with because they literally made you in the first place.

The internet

From porn addiction to sending death threats via social media, the internet can be blamed for much of your crap behaviour. Even though you’d have still been a twat if you’d been born in Victorian times, the digital age is a great excuse. It’s not your fault you completely wasted 90 hours this week watching car crashes and shark attacks on YouTube.


Fat? Tired? Sluggish? Irritable? It’s definitely not because you stay up until 3am every night watching Love Island and drinking Baileys from a mug. It’s all the fault of that nasty wheat.


Are foreigners coming over here and stealing all the jobs and attractive sex partners? Or are you just a slacker who can’t be arsed to fill out boring job applications and wash your pants? It’s probably the latter, but it’s easier to blame someone from another country than buy some Daz and clean those ripe-smelling Y-fronts.

Your genes

Genes are a great excuse because they definitely affect you but it’s still unclear exactly how, so no one can prove they’re not responsible for your uselessness. And the great thing is you can sound scientific when you’re explaining how they made you drink all that lager last night and be late for work.


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You don't need to secretly record me to hear me saying stupid shit, says Boris

BORIS Johnson has assured the public that he says ill-thought-out, inflammatory nonsense quite openly, so there is no need to secretly record him.

After the pro-Brexit foreign secretary was taped warning of a Brexit ‘meltdown’ at a private dinner, he took the opportunity to remind Britain he says far more idiotic things in his official public statements.

Johnson said: “Remember when I said that we’d get a good deal because of prosecco? I said that to the Italian government. Hard to believe, isn’t it?

“Or when I recited that racist poem in a Buddhist temple? Or told Libya it’d be a lovely place for a holiday once they cleared the corpses away?

“Next week I’ve got a ridiculous speech where I blithely toss off plans to put all EU citizens in internment camps and demand ransoms for their return. It’s just what I do.

“I’m not just a blithering tosser in private. It’s 24-7, 365 days a year.”