Why 2016 wasn't that bad if you think about it

WE all thought 2016 was terrible at the time, but the year of celebrity deaths, Brexit and Trump was a walk in the park compared to 2020. Here’s why.

You could drown your sorrows in the pub

There was a lot to be upset about in 2016, but at least you could drink your troubles away with your mates down the boozer. Now you have to bulk-buy beer from the offie and get drunk over Zoom. Trivia quizzes were still a tedious, pedantic slog, though.

The first six months were okay

Up until things got weird in June, 2016 was a relatively chilled one. Meanwhile this year has gifted us with bushfires, a failed impeachment trial and a global pandemic. Unless 2020 pulls something out of the bag in the next few weeks, 2016 will come out on top.

One-night stands were an option

Casual sex wasn’t exclusive to 2016, but it was there to cheer you up. The closest you’ll get to such debauched thrills these days is if someone winks at you from the other side of the road.

You didn’t know what furloughed meant

Sounds like it’s something to do with farming, right? There was no reason to suspect this obscure piece of employment jargon would enter your day-to-day vocabulary along with coronavirus, epidemiologist and Joe Wicks.

Johnson wasn’t the prime minister

Cameron bet his political career on the referendum and lost, but imagine telling someone in 2016 that this gamble was small fry compared to our current PM’s failings. You might as well tell them not to get tickets to the Tokyo Olympics while you’re at it.

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We always treat outsiders as if they're disease-ridden, confirm country folk

RURAL people have a long tradition of hating outsiders regardless of coronavirus, they have explained.

After a number of incidents of intimidation, rural residents have made it clear this is just their normal attitude to city dwellers and anyone from more than two miles away.

Shopkeeper Stephen Malley said: “We can reassure visitors that they can expect the same welcome they would get at any other time. That is to say, a frosty and resentful one.

“We might paint ‘GO BACK TO LONDON!!!’ on a prominently placed horsebox, or follow your car so you’re unsure if it’s just annoyed locals or an actual psychopath like in Duel.

“It’s just the way of the countryside. Personally I’d like to threaten hikers with a pitchfork, but the police had ‘words’ last time I did that.”

Investment banker Julian Cooke said: “With lockdown easing we’ll definitely be heading to our cottage in Devon to buy nice eggs from simple country folk.

“I hope they still play that affectionate little prank where they set your Range Rover on fire and write ‘F**K OFF’ in faeces on your door.”