LOOKING for a Christmas gift for that person who has it all? Pile of stinking manure salesman Martin Bishop explains why it’s this year’s hottest gift:
Say hello to increased soil fertility
Year after year people rip open their Christmas presents to find a new PlayStation or flashy jewellery, and you can tell by the disappointment in their eyes that what they really wanted was increased soil fertility. Imagine their delight when they spy 800 litres of well-rotted organic manure under the tree instead.
Nobody else will think of it
There’s nothing worse than thinking you’ve chosen an imaginative gift only to find the recipient already has it. You didn’t keep the receipt so now you’re stuck with unwanted tat. This problem is a thing of the past thanks to manure, because nobody in their right mind would turn down a present this incredible.
It has a one-of-a-kind smell
In today’s cut-throat world of online dating, you can stand out with a signature scent. While everyone else wears mass-produced fragrances by Marc Jacobs, you’re making an indelible impression by smearing handfuls of stinking manure onto the back of your neck. There truly is no stench quite like it.
It’s a cheap building material
Eight bags of manure are more than just a way to cultivate insect larvae, they can also be used as a construction material when compacted and dried. When you tell the recipient they can build their own house out of animal faeces they’ll think there must be a catch, but no. It really is as good as it sounds.
You’d be doing me a massive favour
Due to a cock-up in forward planning I have pile after pile of stinking manure taking up valuable space in my barn. If you were to take some of it off my hands you’d be doing me a solid and I’d buy you a pint sometime. Please, don’t make me beg. You get used to its foul reek eventually, I promise.