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Why a pile of stinking manure is the perfect Christmas gift – AD FEATURE

LOOKING for a Christmas gift for that person who has it all? Pile of stinking manure salesman Martin Bishop explains why it’s this year’s hottest gift: 

Say hello to increased soil fertility

Year after year people rip open their Christmas presents to find a new PlayStation or flashy jewellery, and you can tell by the disappointment in their eyes that what they really wanted was increased soil fertility. Imagine their delight when they spy 800 litres of well-rotted organic manure under the tree instead.

Nobody else will think of it

There’s nothing worse than thinking you’ve chosen an imaginative gift only to find the recipient already has it. You didn’t keep the receipt so now you’re stuck with unwanted tat. This problem is a thing of the past thanks to manure, because nobody in their right mind would turn down a present this incredible.

It has a one-of-a-kind smell

In today’s cut-throat world of online dating, you can stand out with a signature scent. While  everyone else wears mass-produced fragrances by Marc Jacobs, you’re making an indelible impression by smearing handfuls of stinking manure onto the back of your neck. There truly is no stench quite like it.

It’s a cheap building material

Eight bags of manure are more than just a way to cultivate insect larvae, they can also be used as a construction material when compacted and dried. When you tell the recipient they can build their own house out of animal faeces they’ll think there must be a catch, but no. It really is as good as it sounds.

You’d be doing me a massive favour

Due to a cock-up in forward planning I have pile after pile of stinking manure taking up valuable space in my barn. If you were to take some of it off my hands you’d be doing me a solid and I’d buy you a pint sometime. Please, don’t make me beg. You get used to its foul reek eventually, I promise.

Clothes you wear around the house that you wouldn't be seen dead in outside it

FASHION doesn’t exist indoors. Instead comfort reigns, which means you answer the door to the postman wearing these outfits: 

Fleece onesie

Like a toddler at Christmas, you laze around the house in an all-in-one fleecy babygro which you have to unzip completely whenever you need a pee. Choose an animal-themed one with ears on the hood and you won’t even open the curtains in case you’re spotted and branded a furry forever.

Crocs

First, they’re not comfortable because they’re plastic f**king clogs. Second, if you’re spending your weekends waddling around in primrose yellow crocs, you’ll be harshly judged by anyone in your house, never mind outside it. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they can’t have bottomless contempt for you.

Jogging bottoms

Which have never ever been used for their intended purpose: sport. No, these bad boys were specifically purchased for ‘lounging around’ and you’ve spent so many quality hours on the sofa in them over the years, you’ve grown fond of them like a beloved teddy bear. Despite the massive hole in the crotch.

A blanket

Who needs all that arm hole/leg hole faff when you can simply drape your sagging form in a thick layer of shapeless material? Flattering, easy and perfect for blotting out reality. Just be careful you don’t get too close to the hob while you’re heating up your baked beans.

Your birthday suit

It begins as a quick nip down the hall from bedroom to shower but, because you don’t care so what’s the point, you’ve started traumatising your housemate with the casual sight of you stark bollock naked. Why does it matter if you go close to the windows? The world doesn’t have a burning desire to see you in the nude. You’ve been rejected often enough to know that.