Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Why it's fine that exams are cancelled because they mean nothing: a teacher explains

GCSES and A-levels are cancelled and I, your teacher Mr Logan, will be deciding your grades based on one term’s work and my grudges. Which is fine because qualifications are bollocks.

My heart goes out to you, Ruby, for the challenges of remote learning and the possibility of years of hard work going down the drain. But you can pass all the exams you want and it means nowt.

Look at me, I’ve got a first-class honours degree, an MA and a PGCE and where am I? Stuck in a f**king comp in Crewe.

The problem is all the good jobs go to rich people’s kids. You won’t be swanning around in the arts, politics or the media, Harley. The most you can hope for is an office job, a mid-sized house and perhaps a pension that isn’t total shit.

There’s also the issue of sex. No amount of qualifications will get you a shag. Being clever might make you a bit more interesting but that’s a permanent passport to the friend zone.

Exams certainly won’t make you rich. I got talking to a builder recently, and he was rich as Croesus compared to me. A modest property portfolio and everything. He doesn’t know shit about Love’s Labour’s Lost, and why should he?

Anyway this is something of a detour, so Jaxon, can you stop looking at porn, please, and let’s get on with our Zoom lesson about the magic of oxbow lakes.