Why it's fine that exams are cancelled because they mean nothing: a teacher explains

GCSES and A-levels are cancelled and I, your teacher Mr Logan, will be deciding your grades based on one term’s work and my grudges. Which is fine because qualifications are bollocks.

My heart goes out to you, Ruby, for the challenges of remote learning and the possibility of years of hard work going down the drain. But you can pass all the exams you want and it means nowt.

Look at me, I’ve got a first-class honours degree, an MA and a PGCE and where am I? Stuck in a f**king comp in Crewe.

The problem is all the good jobs go to rich people’s kids. You won’t be swanning around in the arts, politics or the media, Harley. The most you can hope for is an office job, a mid-sized house and perhaps a pension that isn’t total shit.

There’s also the issue of sex. No amount of qualifications will get you a shag. Being clever might make you a bit more interesting but that’s a permanent passport to the friend zone.

Exams certainly won’t make you rich. I got talking to a builder recently, and he was rich as Croesus compared to me. A modest property portfolio and everything. He doesn’t know shit about Love’s Labour’s Lost, and why should he?

Anyway this is something of a detour, so Jaxon, can you stop looking at porn, please, and let’s get on with our Zoom lesson about the magic of oxbow lakes.

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How to take your mind off current events without ever putting down your phone

GIVING yourself a break from the news is essential for mental health, but reading a book or watching Netflix is too much like not looking at your phone. Try these: 

Listen to a true crime podcast

The dark and twisted tale of a double murder-suicide, coupled with deception, high-level police corruption, and indecipherable smalltown accents is the perfect distraction from a pandemic. And you can only half-listen because you’ll be reading the Wikipedia about it on your phone.

Start a very petty argument

Connections with those around us bring comfort in hard times, but arguing about inconsequential shit lets you forget about absolutely everything. Start some shit on WhatsApp and you’ll be consumed by misdirected rage into the small hours.

Get into a boxset on your tiny phone screen

The auteurs who make quality television love it when people watch it on the smallest screen available while checking case numbers every three minutes. Immersing yourself in an imaginary world while remaining available for news push notifications gives respite while maintaining intimacy with your device.

Cook something impossible

Food is a festival for the senses, and cooking a complex recipe one-handed while absentmindedly keeping up to date with what Twitter is saying about Boris Johnson takes up vital headspace and also ruins a meal.

Call your parents

A surefire way to take your mind off the virus is to call your parents and have them talk at you about the virus which will awaken a deep desire in you to not talk or think about the virus so much ever again, until at least 10 minutes later.