Why new low-deposit mortgages will make bugger all difference to your entitled generation, by your parents

NEW 95 per cent mortgages are on the market, not that it will make any difference to entitled, hypersensitive millennials. Why? Let mum and dad explain: 

You’ve not chosen a proper career

Your parents left school at 16, chose a profession and did an apprenticeship. They may only have earned thirteen pounds nineteen shillings a week but they still put some away in the sideboard. They didn’t get hugely in debt moving to London to do a media degree and spend a grand a month to live in a cupboard with a Baby Belling.

You don’t live frugally

You’re always having expensive takeout coffees, there’s barely a day goes by you’re not getting a parcel from Asos and that’s not the same mobile you had last June. Your parents didn’t even have a phone until 1985 and they’d make one jar of Mellow Birds last eight months. Socks can be darned, you know.

You don’t save

To get their deposit together, your parents lived in a box room at your granny’s for the first five years they were married. It was difficult, what with the smell from the budgie, the mother-in-law’s tantrums and your grandfather’s frequent episodes of St Vitus’ Dance, but they struggled through.

You’re always on holiday

At your age, your parents’ most exotic holiday was a week on the Isle of Wight for their honeymoon, in a guesthouse where you got turfed out from 10am to 4pm and the landlady would bang on the wall if she even suspected shagging. Meanwhile you’re going to Thailand one week and Uruguay the next.

You can’t settle down

Your parents met at 19 and married at 20. It hasn’t always been easy but they’ve stuck things out. Not like you with your dates and your Tinder and your ‘it’s complicated’ status on social media. Just pick one, they’re all the same after 40 years.

You haven’t bought at the right time

None of the above matters anyway, as your parents’ £5,000 home is now worth over a million. You should have bought before this property boom and you’d be quids in as well. What do you mean, ‘I was 11 years old and at school’? Excuses.

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Five loud phone conversations twats are always having

OVERHEARD a knobhead having an obnoxious phone conversation? Here’s what the predictable dick was probably on about: 

Shouting at a colleague

If a condescending shit is berating someone about an Excel spreadsheet, it’s a beleaguered colleague who has no idea what they did to deserve their scorn and probably didn’t do anything wrong at all. Watch out for phrases like ‘deliverables’, ‘quick wins’ and ‘touching base with the client before it all goes tits up’.

Being rude to their mum

True twats love to direct their anger towards the only person who could ever love them. Young twats might call them by their Christian name, but they’re definitely talking to a parent they’re still living with who just wants them to get a job and stop leaving the toilet seat up.

Booking an appointment

If they’re booking a dentist appointment on public transport rather than in the safety of their own home, they are an arrogant arsehole who isn’t the slightest bit embarrassed about saying ‘Pardon? What? What?’ in an aggravated tone to some poor receptionist. Even worse they’ll glance at you while shaking their head in disbelief and now you apparently agree.

Arranging a night out

Wankers are so keen to demonstrate to strangers that they have a life, even if the very act of doing so proves how desperate they are. Listen out for them arguing with some fellow wanker called Smeggers or Weasel about whether they should book a booth at The Slug and Lettuce in Kidderminster or just ‘wing it’.

Rowing with their partner

The real prize twat is unable to keep their private life private, drawing a whole train carriage into an argument about who’s picking up the kids on Saturday afternoon. Might be an ex, but knowing twats they’ll actually speak that foully to someone they’re still apparently besotted with.