BISHOPS have confirmed they would much rather marry heterosexual unbelievers than gay people who actually believe in God. Here’s why.
Marriage is between one man and one woman
That’s what the Bible says. And who wouldn’t trust a 2,000-year-old book of uncertain authorship? The Bible is always right, apart from the bits we prefer not to mention about child sacrifice and the best way to treat your slaves. Look, we don’t make the rules.
We enjoy being out of step with the rest of society
Who wants to follow the herd? By not finally catching up with everyone else in Britain, we’re going against society’s attitudes because we like to be different. We’re rebels, like Marlon Brando or the punk rocker Johnny Rotten. All the young people think they’re cool, right?
You can’t trust the gays
However much they claim not to be sexual degenerates, you can’t trust the gays, can you? With their urges they’ll be having orgies in public toilets the moment church is over. Of course, when it came to actual sexual perverts like paedophile clergymen we ignored it for decades, claiming they were ‘just a bit unusual’.
We love a good talking shop
We like having the strangest conference debates, such as reaching the pointless conclusion that it’s okay to be gay if you never have gay sex. It’s entirely irrelevant to the real world, but it makes us feel important and you get a free lunch.
Believing in God isn’t that important
We don’t mind the atheist heterosexuals getting married in our churches, because it’s all about the optics. Godless heteros get to have a lovely Instagrammable ceremony and we get to pretend we’re still vaguely relevant in the 21st century. It’s win-win, apart from them ending up Hell.
We’re just massive homophobes
The UK is no longer majority Christian, so you’d think we’d be desperate for all the support we can get. However, we’d rather our congregations dwindled to nothing and churches are sold off for luxury flats than obey our own rule of ‘love thy neighbour’ with LGBTQ people. Because, let’s face it, a lot of us just don’t like gays.
