Why we prefer straight atheists to gay Christians, by the Church of England

BISHOPS have confirmed they would much rather marry heterosexual unbelievers than gay people who actually believe in God. Here’s why.

Marriage is between one man and one woman

That’s what the Bible says. And who wouldn’t trust a 2,000-year-old book of uncertain authorship? The Bible is always right, apart from the bits we prefer not to mention about child sacrifice and the best way to treat your slaves. Look, we don’t make the rules.

We enjoy being out of step with the rest of society

Who wants to follow the herd? By not finally catching up with everyone else in Britain, we’re going against society’s attitudes because we like to be different. We’re rebels, like Marlon Brando or the punk rocker Johnny Rotten. All the young people think they’re cool, right?

You can’t trust the gays

However much they claim not to be sexual degenerates, you can’t trust the gays, can you? With their urges they’ll be having orgies in public toilets the moment church is over. Of course, when it came to actual sexual perverts like paedophile clergymen we ignored it for decades, claiming they were ‘just a bit unusual’.

We love a good talking shop

We like having the strangest conference debates, such as reaching the pointless conclusion that it’s okay to be gay if you never have gay sex. It’s entirely irrelevant to the real world, but it makes us feel important and you get a free lunch. 

Believing in God isn’t that important

We don’t mind the atheist heterosexuals getting married in our churches, because it’s all about the optics. Godless heteros get to have a lovely Instagrammable ceremony and we get to pretend we’re still vaguely relevant in the 21st century. It’s win-win, apart from them ending up Hell.

We’re just massive homophobes

The UK is no longer majority Christian, so you’d think we’d be desperate for all the support we can get. However, we’d rather our congregations dwindled to nothing and churches are sold off for luxury flats than obey our own rule of ‘love thy neighbour’ with LGBTQ people. Because, let’s face it, a lot of us just don’t like gays.

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TV pick of the day: Clarkson's Misogynist Farm

10.35pm, GB News channel

WITH Amazon likely to ditch him, Jeremy Clarkson is hosting a brand new show in which he runs a farm while being hilariously un-woke. So what can viewers expect? 

A tour of the farm 

Jezza gives a tour of ‘Upshit Creek Farm’ while bleating about ITV and Amazon trying to cancel him. Several farm animals attempt to drown themselves in a slurry pit rather than listen to this self-pitying bollocks of his own creation.

Obligatory topical dig at Meghan

Jeremy introduces viewers to a female horse he’s named Meghan, ‘because she’s a bloody mare’. Less wittily, there’s a fat pig also allegedly called Meghan. The last three female viewers sigh and switch off.

Celebrity guests

The obvious choices would be James May and Richard Hammond, but they’re trying to distance themselves from Jeremy’s comments about hurling excrement at a naked woman. Instead viewers are treated to top celebrity guests Justin Lee Collins and Reform UK’s Richard Tice.

Jeremy f**ks up a farm thing 

Jeremy gets shown how to drive a combine harvester, which he deliberately messes up for comic effect. Even fans of this schtick realise it was funnier on Top Gear, and watch old episodes of that instead.

Politically incorrect rant that goes on too long  

This week Jeremy muses on why women are such humourless bitches, segueing effortlessly into a wholly original diatribe about ‘the thought police’, ‘snowflakes’ and ‘ladies with todgers’. The root of the problem, he concludes, is wokeness. GB News viewers honk like happy seals at hearing these hackneyed observations for the billionth time.

His poor girlfriend

Viewers catch a brief glimpse of Jeremy’s poor girlfriend who helps run the farm. It’s a blink-and-you-miss-her appearance, but everyone feels incredibly sorry for her.

Blatant plug for his shit new restaurant

Jeremy showcases his restaurant for gammons and Grand Tour fans with an aggressively meat-based menu striking a blow against the menace of veganism. Two diners collapse with heart problems after eating the steak sandwich consisting of a 24-ounce steak between two more steaks with a large portion of steak fries.

Embarrassing bullying incident

Accidentally left in the edit by GB News’ incompetent production team, Jeremy is seen repeatedly kicking a researcher in the arse for bringing him a packet of cheese and onion crisps when he asked for cheese and chives.

Jeremy has a breakdown 

Jeremy has a ‘road to Damascus’ moment and realises his TV career is over if he’s on GB News with that anti-vax bloke off Coast and the channel’s 11 viewers. Sobbing, he begs the BBC to take him back. Sadly, due its morbid fear of taking a risk on something new, the corporation reinstates him on a salary of £6 million a year.