Wi-fi password should be screamed into guests' faces at door

HOUSEGUESTS should be greeted with the wi-fi password at maximum volume, according to new etiquette guidelines.

According to the latest edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette, failure to supply wi-fi access immediately is the greatest solecism that hosts can commit, implying as it does that their stilted conversation is superior to the whole internet.

The book says: “Forcing guests to ask for a password is to reduce them to the abject level of adult children on a rare visit to the parental home.

“And handing out a printed slip on vellum paper, adopted by the lower-middles, is terribly gauche and evokes the ambience of a chain coffee shop.

“A true gentleman announces the password instantly and unignorably, and should guests need a reminder they need only look up to see SN095b55b embroidered by the lady of the house and hung over the fireplace.”

Julian Cook of Richmond said: “If I haven’t got the wi-fi password it takes an age to check Twitter on 3G, making me look like the rude one which is hardly fair.

“However, if I were ever invited to a home where the wi-fi were not protected by password, I would leave immediately. Civilisation demands certain standards.”

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Dogs not overly anxious about contents of pet food

DOGS have confirmed that they are immune to pet food scares.

As it emerged that some pet food contains unspecified animal parts, dogs said they could totally deal with that.

Retriever Nikki Hollis said: “I’m fine with rogue bits of offal, fat and genitals from mysterious species.

“Anything really except vegetables, I don’t fuck with vegetables.”

Spaniel Roy Hobbs said: “I just wish you hadn’t mentioned food because now I am going to be obsessing about it for the rest of the morning.

“I ate a skirting board once, puked three times but I kept coming back for more. I believe it was made of wood.”