Woman cannot be arsed to have a baby

A WOMAN has decided against having children because it is loads of hassle.

Eleanor Shaw, 31, thinks the world has enough people without her adding more and wants to do fun stuff instead.

Shaw said: “I’ve just never been that arsed about having a kid, in the same way I’ve never been that bothered about stamp collecting. I’m not against it, I’m just not into it.

“I’ve tried to explain this to my friends who have got kids, but they seem to think that admitting I’d rather spend all my spare cash on posh cheese and holidays is similar to saying I like to kick puppies for fun.

“I’m not obsessed with my career, I haven’t got some dark secret and I’m not interested in writing a blog about my difficult choices. It really just comes down to the fact that I just can’t be bothered.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “My children are the most wonderful beings on earth and the light of my life. Except when they’re exhausting little shits, of course.”

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Millions of Britons 'complacent about their drinking ability'

MANY Britons wrongly assume they can still drink as much as they used to, it has emerged.

Researchers found that millions are not sufficiently ‘match ready’ to handle more than three or four pints without feeling weird, even if they used to drink twice that on a Tuesday night.

Accountant Roy Hobbs said: “I had become complacent about my drinking ability, because as a younger man I would enjoy some serious sauce sessions with the pints consumption going well into double figures.

“But I tried emulating that behaviour on a recent work trip to Kiev and spent the next day kneeling naked in my hotel room, clutching the bed and praying to whatever god might listen for forgiveness.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Drinking isn’t something you can just dip into.  You never know when a ‘quick pint’ after work could turn into a full session, yet many of us would be unable to handle it, both in terms of the bender itself and the aftermath.

“Those who don’t experience regular hangovers often make a big fuss about it when they get one, even taking a day off work just because it hurts to look at bright things.”

Roy Hobbs added: “Now I’m having training pints most days. I’m not getting caught out again.”