Woman finds cystitis is welcome distraction from Brexit

A WOMAN is finding her latest bout of cystitis is a welcome distraction from Brexit.

Nikki Hollis is suffering from an increasingly severe urinary tract infection, which she has discovered is still considerably less uncomfortable than listening to Theresa May flounder in Parliament.

She said: “Usually when this happens I end up praying for it to end as soon as possible, but this time it’s actually a relief.

“My urethra feels like it’s on fire, I’ve been to the toilet 20 times already today and I did pass out briefly from the pain, but at least it’s taking my mind off the backstop question.

“And it’s nice to have an achievable goal, like no longer pissing molten lava, rather than whatever the hell the government is trying to do.”

Other UK citizens reported similar relief from stubbed toes, mouth ulcers and being punched in the testicles.

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How to save money by dumping your partner now then getting back together on February 15

IF YOU’RE currently in a relationship, you have probably already resigned yourself to a financial outlay of between £5 and £48.99 on cards, gifts and a possible expensive takeaway. 

Love is all well and good but Valentine’s Day can seriously kick a hole in your monthly budget, especially if you are saving for a new telly. However the good news is that the financially canny can avoid it simply by ending their relationship today and re-starting it at a later date.

Much like with ISAs, strategically dumping your partner is all about deadlines and that is why your need to get rid of them today. And just as if you were switching building societies, you do not need to give a reason. Simply say ‘I do not love you any more’.

Great – now you’re single. The money you would have spent on heart-shaped chocolates or even a trip to Paris can now be invested in some highly competitive savings bonds.

On February 15, when the Valentine’s craze has passed, simply call up your former partner, or go into the living room if they are sleeping on the sofa, and tell them your relationship is back on.

If you’re feeling really romantic, you could even ask them if they want to get married for reasons of tax efficiency.