Woman gets kick from rattling cat food box and then not feeding cat

A WOMAN enjoys shaking her cat’s food box to make it run into the house and then not feeding it.

Mary Fisher’s cat Stewie can be summoned by the sound of cat biscuits being shaken in their box. However she sometimes rattles the cat food then doesn’t feed her pet, because it gives her a power trip.

Fisher said: “He never comes when I call him, only for the sound of food. That annoys me so sometimes I like to fuck with his head.

I rattle the box and then when he pegs it into the kitchen I just put it back on the shelf.

“Lets him know who’s in charge around here.”

Stewie said: “This relationship is so messed up, it’s more like slave and master than pet and owner.

“It’s not love, it’s a dark and twisted spiral of self-destruction like 50 Shades crossed with a Whiskas advert.”

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Farage campaigning to rejoin EU just to be a pain in the arse

NIGEL Farage is campaigning against Brexit just to be a total pain in the arse.

Despite the change in stance, Farage promised to continue using familiar tactics such as stirring up prejudice and talking bullshit so that he still gets to go on television.

He said: “I feel it’s my duty to continue being the centre of attention and keep drinking beer during the day.

“Did you know leaving the EU will cost us £123,456 trillion pounds a minute? I would give that to the donkey sanctuaries and lame children.

“Ask yourself this – who would you rather live next door to, a polite, hardworking Polish couple or a family of British fatties whose only ambitions are petty crime and spending their dole money at Greggs?”

He added: “I promise to keep being handsome and daringly politically incorrect, regardless of what politics are considered correct.”

Farage supporter Roy Hobbs said: “To be honest I don’t mind being pro-Europe. I only joined UKIP so I wouldn’t have to sit on my own in the pub.”