Woman gives birth to media wanker baby

A WOMAN has given birth to a baby obsessed with social media engagement and brand awareness.

Emma Bradford’s joy was quickly replaced by nausea as she realised her baby Nathan was asking the midwife what she looked for in infotainment.

Nathan later paused mid-breast feed to ask whether his mother was getting the best out of her snackable content and whether she would buy a snack that was marketed using ironic hashtags.

Emma Bradford said: “At first I thought he was gurgling, but then I realised he was speaking in marketing bollocks.

“I’ve just put him down for a nap, but he’s refusing to sleep as he’s in the middle of a brand development presentation.”

Bradford added “I’m going to leave him on the doorstep of an advertising agency with a note that says, ‘unwanted twat’.”

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Cameron sets out Tory dream of grateful minions with nice big tellies

DAVID Cameron has set out the ‘Conservative dream’ of a society of hard-working drones who love television more than life itself.

In a bid to rescue the Tory election campaign, the prime minister insisted that all people wanted was to work 12 hours a day for a gigantic corporation and then spend their earnings on the biggest television they could afford.

He said: “You get up at four o’clock in the morning to go to your little job so that you can buy a really massive ‘telly’.

“And not a just a telly, but the full Sky package, including all those documentaries you will never watch because they’re not about serial killers.

“And why should you watch non-serial killer documentaries when there’s Vin Diesel films, flamboyant wrestling and talent shows where decent, hard-working people like you try their best to sing a song?”

He added: “You worked hard for that big ‘telly’ and you should be able to pass it on to your children. They’ll have to pay for the Sky subscription, but because they’re decent, they will also have a little hard-working job that starts in the middle of the night.

“You’re all marvellous, Britain is great and Ed Miliband wants to ban television because he’s an Islamic fundamentalist.”

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