Woman instantly regrets telling square colleagues about time she got really pissed

A WOMAN seems like an alcoholic after relating a mildly debauched anecdote to colleagues, she has realised.

Office worker Donna Sheridan described getting so drunk at a wedding she slept in the disabled toilet, forgetting she was in the company of incredibly sensible po-faced bastards.

Sheridan said: “I noticed their faces were quite blank as I described feeling so rough the next day I puked in a vase outside the hotel.

“I assumed they’d find it amusing, but Emma just stared at me as if I’d admitted to spending every night smoking crack in a burned-out car.

“Kate looked really serious and said ‘Were you alright?’ like I’d been rushed to hospital and put on life support. Then Gavin said, ‘We’d better not go to the pub with a hardened drinker like you, Donna!’.

“They were looking at me as if I was Lemmy from Motorhead.”

Co-worker Emma Bradford said: “Donna clearly has a problem. I’ve decided to start secretly sniffing her breath at work and take her car keys off her if she’s drunk.

“If she starts doing alcoholic things like going to sleazy bars alone we’re going to stage an intervention and make her go to one of those churches with a trendy vicar.”

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Man who despises May still a bit concerned about her

A MAN who despises everything Theresa May stands for has found himself strangely worried about her wellbeing.

Tom Logan was left feeling conflicted after May’s recent TV appearances led him to believe she is on the brink of some kind of meltdown.

Teacher Logan said: “May is a horrible careerist who will fuck Britain over for the sake of her own squalid ambitions, but I also want to make her a nice cup of tea and give her a hug.

“When she was interviewed about the TV debate she had this twitchy, ‘on the edge’ look in her eyes. I thought she was either going to burst into tears or flip out like John Rambo go on some sort of rampage that ends with her climbing up a pylon.

“Also she keeps laughing madly at things that aren’t funny. The last person I saw doing that was my old neighbour who thought there were aliens living in his plug sockets.

“I’m really concerned about the evil Tory witch. I think for her mental wellbeing she needs to consider a gentler career like working for the National Trust helping school groups do brass rubbings.”