Woman only able to communicate in bullshit pop culture memes

DOCTORS are increasingly worried about a woman who has lost the power of speech due to years of expressing herself only in inane, unfunny internet memes.

Years of heavy social media use have left Nikki Hollis totally reliant on memes for communication, including Will Ferrell in Anchorman, a cartoon cyclist putting a stick between his own spokes, and an irritable-looking cat.

Dr Emma Bradford said: “Ms Hollis’s condition was incredibly hard to diagnose, mainly because she just kept getting out her phone and showing me a picture of Fry from Futurama with no context.

“I expected serious head trauma, perhaps from a car accident, but a brain scan indicates she’s just spent too long posting internet shite and has forgotten how to form words or type a proper sentence.

“Her condition is similar to locked-in syndrome, only she’s trapped in there with Liam Neeson making an intimidating phone call and Baby Yoda. It’s terrifying. I mean, Anchorman came out in 2004. How lame is that?”

When asked about her condition, Hollis posted a picture of Captain Picard facepalming, suggesting she was exasperated, or that the question was foolish, or that she just liked Star Trek.

Therapist Donna Sheridan said: “We’re not making much progress. Today I finally got Nikki to type ‘lol’, which is sort of a word. Then she found an incomprehensible Stranger Things meme and it was back to square one.”

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The Tory guide to dentistry for scum who can't afford to go private

BRITONS are finding it impossible to sign up with an NHS dentist. That’ll teach you to do better at school and go private, says health minister Steve Barclay. Here’s his dental advice:

Halloween vampire teeth are just as good

Get some Dracula teeth and glue them in place with Bostik. Yes, you’re going to look stupid with fangs, but perhaps that will remind you not to dick around at school and fail your GCSEs, which is the only cause of poverty in the UK.

Ask yourself: do I really need teeth? 

If it hurts to chew, simply move to a diet of soup, blancmange and ketchup. If you must eat one of your loathsome ‘Maccie Ds’, add water and turn it into a sloppy paste with a blender. If you don’t have a blender, get a friend with teeth to chew it for you first. Birds do it all the time.

Get Jaws teeth

The James Bond villain, not the shark. Probably all you need is a Black & Decker workmate, some basic tools like a hacksaw, and a metal spatula to fashion into massive metal teeth. You’ll even be able to joke you’ve got ‘film star’s teeth’, although try not to scare children.

Get a friend to be your dentist 

Qualified dentists are unnecessary when one of your tracksuited friends can have a go at the rotten teeth with some pliers. The fact is the government can’t keep giving handouts to the socialist NHS, so maybe your friend will do a hip replacement for you in the future.

Your teeth will fix themselves

Your body will fight back against tooth decay with a process known as them ‘falling out’. This will hurt but you deserve everything you get because you chose a cushy life on benefits instead of a well-paid job in finance. Speed up the process by never brushing your teeth and only eating sweets, although you probably do this anyway.

Make dentures with corpses’ teeth

This is a fine old British tradition, popular after the Battle of Waterloo, when dead soldiers’ teeth were in plentiful supply. Obviously there aren’t dead bodies just lying around now, but it’ll do you good to get down to the cemetery with a spade and learn the meaning of hard graft.