Woman opposed to anything that makes world a better place

A WOMAN dislikes anything and anyone that tries to improve the world, it has emerged.

Helen Archer, from Sudbury, opposes everything that attempts to improve people’s lives in any way for a number of vindictive reasons.

Archer said: “I never give to charity because it promotes dependency, and anyway I think it’s wrong that people who work for Save The Children get paid a salary instead of doing it for free.

“I don’t see the point of art. Abstract art is even worse because it could have been done by my nephew, who I also dislike because he’s noisy and sticky and cheerful, which makes me furious.

“Why’s the government spending taxpayers’ money putting flowerbeds in public parks? They could be spending it on something useful like deporting refugees.”

Archer also confirmed that listening to music was pointless, travelling anywhere was a waste of time, and that she made a point of never smiling at anyone because they probably didn’t deserve to be smiled at.

Archer’s sister Frances said: “We used to think Helen might be depressed, but it turns out she’s perfectly happy just writing angry letters to the local paper about how recycling is a scam and owning a dog should be banned.”


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Ask Holly: An army of sparrows is plotting to overthrow the government

Dear Holly,

Everyone is so obsessed with politics these days that they’ve taken their eyes off the ball. You’re all worried about Trump and Brexit when in actual fact the real threat is known only to us birdwatchers. Even as I write, an enormous army of sparrows is plotting to overthrow the British government, cover Jeremy Corbyn in bird excrement and peck out Theresa May’s eyes. I’m willing to negotiate with them and avert avian apocalypse IF the BBC will put me back on the telly. 

Bill Oddie

Undisclosed location

Dear Bill,

Most importantly, the snow is here, which is the best thing in the world ever, especially if it means school is cancelled and all the grown ups start panicking and buying lots of anti-freeze from Morrisons because then we get to watch Nickelodeon all day and throw yellow snow at annoyed people in suits and draw enormous willies on car bonnets. 

Hope that helps,