Woman phones in sick with ‘post-truth’ excuse

A WOMAN has given a bullshit reason for not going to work because there is now no such thing as lying.

Nikki Hollis, 28, phoned her boss and told him she was in bed with a ‘horrendous cold’ and then went out with friends to watch A Street Cat Named Bob.

Hollis, an accounts administrator from Stevenage, said: “’Post-truth’ basically means presenting a massive lie as if it’s a fact and then just doing whatever you fancy, which makes it a perfect concept for calling in sick.

“I’ve also found it really handy for telling my mother-in-law that we won’t be coming for Christmas because I’m allergic to the air north of Milton Keynes, and I got out of helping my sister move house by claiming that I’ve got exceptionally fragile wrists and can’t carry heavy things.

“Then I can justify this by telling myself that the objective facts are less important than me having to do boring things for other people when I’d rather be watching Strictly with a tub of Nutella and a big spoon.

“If it’s good enough for the next leader of the free world, then it’s good enough for me.”

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Fabric ravers to go mental within strict council guidelines

RAVERS at Fabric nightclub are to go mental within strict local authority guidelines.

The iconic London nightclub is to re-open under new council guidelines, allowing ravers to have a fucking mad one while staying within rigidly enforced legal boundaries.

Clubber Tom Booker said: “Raving is my life, but I also love rules especially Section 14, Subsection 4.5b of the 1992 Nightclubs and Venues Act. There’s some great shit in there about properly organised CCTV surveillance.

“Apparently Ricardo Villalobos is going to be playing a 14-hour set in the main room when Fabric re-opens. It’s going to be insane, but hopefully not too loud otherwise I might sustain long-term hearing damage.

“I don’t want the lights to hurt my eyes either so it’d be best if they have some rules for that too.”

Fabric’s re-opening is also being hailed as a victory by people who take raving far too seriously and wank on about ‘electronic music culture’.

Blogger Wayne Hayes said: “Fabric is a seminal venue in the evolution of house music from mid-80s Chicago warehouse parties to a more mainstream acceptance of the DJ as a fully-evolved artist.”

He added: “Christ I need a woman in my life so badly.”