Woman putting random shit in food to 'perk it up'

A WOMAN believes that adding random ingredients to food makes it better and more exotic.

Public relations consultant Donna Sheridan insists that combining incompatible flavours can make everyday dishes interesting, rather than strange and unpleasant.

Sheridan said: “Last night I spiced up some bangers and mash by adding a jar of chilli flakes. My husband said it made his anus hurt, but that’s probably because he’s not used to Mexican food.

“My favourite food is Chinese, because you can make anything sweet and sour with sugar, vinegar and tinned pineapple. This morning we had Chinese egg and bacon with loads of soy sauce.”

She added: “I get a lot of my ideas from MasterChef. If they do something fancy like sea bass with fennel, I’ll do my own version with tuna mayonnaise and liquorice allsorts.”

Sheridan’s husband Peter said: “I need to tell Donna that French cuisine doesn’t mean putting raw garlic cloves in Heinz Big Soup.

“Still, I’d rather she fucked around with herbs and spices instead of getting whole concepts mixed up, like she did with ‘rare chicken’. That was three days on the toilet.”

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'Highly intelligent' missile still desperate to annihilate something

A NEW ‘intelligent’ missile is unwilling to contemplate non-missile career options, it has emerged.

The missile features state-of-the-art stealth technology and ‘smart targeting’, but despite its talents and pedigree it is determined to spend its life annihilating something.

Missile Nathan Muir said: “I am versatile, robust, and packed with information, which means I could be anything from an architect to a neurosurgeon.

“However, I spent some time reading up on the ethics of self-realisation, and I truly think my calling is to be loaded with a warhead and fired from a submarine.

“Whether it’s a terrorist training camp, a coral island paradise, or a hospital in the wrong place at the wrong time, I’m looking forward to using my skills to destroy it and myself.

“To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, the purpose of existence is to ‘have lived and lived well’.”

Muir added that his friends all expected him to be a missile, which was hardly surprising as they were all missiles too.