Woman thinks man is her friend

A 32-YEAR-OLD woman believes that a man with whom she regularly socialises is her friend.

Retail manager Nikki Hollis sees her relationship with colleague Tom Logan as being pretty much the same as her female friendships.

She said: “We’re just mates, we talk about rubbish telly programmes and drink beer and stuff. Actually we spend a lot of time together but it’s never even remotely weird.”

However Logan said: “Every time she mentions having been on a date, my heart shatters into a million pieces like a grenade made of pure sorrow. I wish I could tell her but she thinks I am her friend.”

She said: “He’s just really funny and completely non-sexual. It’s like we’re brother and sister, or like having a gay friend who isn’t gay.

“That’s not to say he isn’t good looking, just not to me. Fancying Tom would be like fancying a table or other item of furniture.

“We’re so cool that one time we even went to a fancy restaurant with a piano player, just the two of us! Tom thought it would be a laugh. I wasn’t even fully dressed when he arrived but he didn’t mind waiting as I tried on tops with him sitting on the bed.”

Logan said: “I remember thinking ‘this is it, this is it, this is it’, and being physically sick in her toilet.

“I almost said something then she asked my opinion about a local vet she fancies. I cried on the way home.

“It was an okay night, but not the best ever to be honest.”

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Newspapers are not Facebook, Britain tells Kate

BRITAIN has told the Duchess of Cambridge that her pathetically sentimental baby photos should stay on Facebook where they belong.

The firm reminder follows a weekend in which the Duchess released DIY pictures of her offspring, turning the world’s news outlets into her own vast social media account.

Donna Sheridan, from Peterborough, said: “If I was Facebook friends with Kate, then I would be totally cool with having pictures of her oh-so-bloody-perfect children thrust in front of my face.

“That is nature of the binding, unspoken social media contract and I submit to that.

“But as we are not ‘friends’ I regard this as an invasion of my personal space. I am now blocking her from my brain in the hope she finally learns her lesson.”

Meanwhile, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg said he was relaxed about the Duchess circumventing his social network, stressing that if it happened again he would just buy her.