WOMEN cannot play football, a plump and uncoordinated man has claimed.
42-year-old Wayne Hayes has heavily criticised female players, despite not having got off his fat arse and run around for decades.
Largely sedentary Hayes said: “The women are doing it all wrong.
“Yes, they appear to be running around and kicking the ball in a football-playing manner, but you can bet they are all thinking about pretty vintage tea parties rather than goals.
“They are ruining the game, and if I had the conviction or physical vigour to play sport on any level then I would show them what a man can do.
“However because of my dodgy knee, my opinions are purely theoretical. A bit like Einstein, if Einstein had some kebab juice on his shirt and only said things that he felt confident his mates would agree with.”