Woman unveils plan to lose her shit in Primark

A WOMAN has outlined her plans to really lose her shit with people when trying to get out of Primark this weekend.

Nikki Hollis told friends and family that she would force herself to go into the store to pick up some cheap essentials before totally losing it in the throng of idiots who are just getting in her fucking way.

Hollis said: “I am pleased to announce that I am going to go apeshit, probably with a group of teenagers, or perhaps an elderly couple.

“Or most likely it will be a woman with a pram blocking me in an aisle, or ramming it at my ankles.

“I’ll be sorry for it afterwards, but yes, I am definitely going to lose my shit on them.”

Pram-wielding idiot, Emma Bradford, added: “I am very much looking forward to being a part of this.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Couple face another weekend of pretending to like other people's children

A CHILDLESS couple are to spend a long weekend pretending they enjoy the company of their friends’ children. 

Nathan and Sarah Muir chose not to have children because they enjoy having money and energy, but are forced to pretend otherwise when they meet up with friends who do.

Sarah Muir said: “Here we go. Which one did I say I thought was really sweet last time? What are their names again?

“It’s alright for you, at least you get to play X-Box though I appreciate you’re not allowed to win. That girl drags me upstairs to talk about ponies every fucking time.”

She added: “Oh God, I forgot about the other one. Last time I had to do art with it. Six bloody weeks later there was still glitter on my face. I looked like I’d had a lapdance.

“Don’t forget, children are brilliant and we definitely get why everyone had them. They’ll probably be dressed as pirates. How fucking cute.”