Woman who 'speaks as she finds' could also 'shut the f**k up'

A WOMAN does not actually have to give her candid opinion in a blunt and tactless way, it has emerged.

Office worker Emma Bradford gives the impression she is somehow compelled to judge others, but could also just keep her opinions to herself like everyone else does.

Colleague Nikki Hollis said: “When Emma ‘speaks as she finds’ it’s always something like, ‘I see Kate’s off sick, but then she does like a glass or 10 of wine, I hear.’

“She never says things like ‘Isn’t Pete a lovely guy?’. It’s almost as if she’s not motivated by a noble devotion to the truth but just enjoys being unpleasant.”

“I googled ‘being honest’ and it turns out it isn’t something you can’t control like Tourette’s, so you can always shut the fuck up. I may explain that if Emma tells me I’ve put on weight again.”

Bradford said: “I suppose I’m just more honest and moral than most people. It’s just my way and I feel it helps people because they can stop doing things like wearing an unflattering dress or being a minger.

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Britons only able to let go emotionally when barmaid breaks a glass

BRITONS are only able to express their true emotional state when a pub worker drops a tray of glasses, it has been confirmed.

Drinkers at a London Wetherspoon roared with a weird mixture of joy, hilarity and pent-up aggression when barmaid Emma Bradford dropped a tray of 13 pint glasses.

Drinker Roy Hobbs said: “The whole room had been sat in near-silence, just men and women hunched over pints with the occasional hacking cough or clack of a domino.

“But at the sound of breaking glass everyone went apeshit. There were people on chairs waving their hats and cheering the broken glass.

“After about three seconds it all went silent again, as if nothing had happened.”

He added: “When my first child was born I barely made a sound, but there’s something about the sound of a shattering pint glass that just resonates in my soul.

“Weirdly though it only works in the pub. I’ve tried dropping glasses at home, it’s not remotely fun and  you have to sweep it up.”