Woman with immaculately clean house has car like a shit tip

A WOMAN who keeps her house clean and tidy has a car like a dustbin, it has emerged.

Despite living in a scrupulously hygienic home, Emma Bradford is inexplicably untroubled by the mountain of used coffee cups, snotty tissues, Ginster’s wrappers and  half–eaten sandwiches in her Ford Focus.

Her husband Tom, said: “She disinfects the entire fucking house every single day, yet she can’t move an old banana skin from her car.

“She has a go at me for leaving a single dirty mug on the sideboard, yet I recently sat on some mouldy leftover McDonald’s on her passenger seat.    

“It makes no sense as that someone who is neat and tidy in every other aspect of her life gets into her car and turns into a filth beast from hell. You could do a shit in there and she wouldn’t notice.

“I love her, but she disgusts me.”

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Woman finds cystitis is welcome distraction from Brexit

A WOMAN is finding her latest bout of cystitis is a welcome distraction from Brexit.

Nikki Hollis is suffering from an increasingly severe urinary tract infection, which she has discovered is still considerably less uncomfortable than listening to Theresa May flounder in Parliament.

She said: “Usually when this happens I end up praying for it to end as soon as possible, but this time it’s actually a relief.

“My urethra feels like it’s on fire, I’ve been to the toilet 20 times already today and I did pass out briefly from the pain, but at least it’s taking my mind off the backstop question.

“And it’s nice to have an achievable goal, like no longer pissing molten lava, rather than whatever the hell the government is trying to do.”

Other UK citizens reported similar relief from stubbed toes, mouth ulcers and being punched in the testicles.