Woman with whole life ahead of her going to spend it worrying about what someone just said

A YOUNG woman whose life is bursting with possibility plans to spend the next sixty years obsessing over minor social interactions.

With graduate job offers already lining up, the world is Nikki Hollis’s oyster, but statistics suggest she will live out her days thinking about whether or not someone meant to be rude or was just not thinking.

Nikki Hollis said: “You only live once, and I intend to live every day in the fullest awareness that maybe someone doesn’t really like me, or thinks my clothes don’t suit me, or finds my face weird.

“Life is an adventure and I want to use it to reflect on what someone might have meant when they said I ‘looked well’ or what a friend was implying when they said I ‘deserve a good holiday’.”

Her mother Helen Hollis said: “We raised Nikki to believe she can do anything and, like me and her father, what she does best is needlessly analyse everything people say, to or about her.

“Hopefully she’ll go deaf in old age and then she can enjoy a brief burst of peace before the grave claims her.”

Nikki Hollis added: “More than anything, I hope I can have an exciting career and a family of my own so that I have a wide group of people to misinterpret all the time. Fingers crossed!”

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The older person's guide to ruining social media

ARE you old? Do you want to embarrass and annoy younger family members?

Here’s how to use social media platforms to do just that.

Over-share about your sex life

If you’re retired you’ll have plenty of time for both social media and middle of the day shags. Why not combine the two for the maximum mortification of your relatives?

Misunderstand hashtags

Even if you know that #MeToo is a movement against sexual harassment, pretend you think it’s a trendy digital way to agree with someone’s opinion about who’s going to win Bake Off this year.

Share ‘patriotic’ images with links to far-right groups

If your kids are lefty hipster types they’ll be mortified if you share anything with a Union Jack on, especially if it came from a website about how white people are an endangered species.

Ask incredibly personal questions

Pretend you’ve forgotten that their Facebook wall is on public view and ask them questions like ‘How did it go at the gynaecologists this morning?’

Use emojis inappropriately

Some emojis have curious double meanings, such as the big purple aubergine. Post that multiple times under an Instagram picture of your son’s new girlfriend and enjoy the ensuing weirdness.