Woman won’t let frostbite stop her wearing Converse

A WOMAN has vowed that she will wear thin-soled canvas trainers through the depths of winter no matter what the cost. 

Francesca Johnson, from Chester, insisted the shoes, intended for wear in long, hot American summers, are now part of her personal look and cannot be abandoned for mere weather.

She said: “The cold is a problem immediately on leaving the house, but within 40 minutes I actually can’t feel my feet for the rest of the day, so that’s fine.

“The skin around them has gone white and blue but the trainers themselves are white, so stylewise it’s all good.

“My boyfriend says I should wear socks, and I’m like ‘hello, socks with Converse? Do you want me to be laughed at?’”

She added: “I am a little bit concerned about losing toes, because from the end of March I’m scheduled to spend the next six months in flip-flops.”

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Rooney sidelined with chronic awareness of futility of existence

WAYNE Rooney will be out of action for six weeks after he realised during training that all human endeavour is ultimately pointless.

The Manchester United star was competing for the ball with Michael Carrick when he was stopped in his tracks by a gigantic epiphany.

Manchester United doctor Emma Bradford said: “We could immediately see he had suffered a severe case of existential crisis.

“He was muttering about the fragility of the human condition and the pointlessness of life and the Europa League.”

United have put Rooney on an emergency training programme that includes nursing a baby chick back to health, but thoughts will inevitably turn to Owen Hargreaves who was forced to retire in 2012 after an opponent asked him to imagine the sound of one hand clapping.

Rooney said: “Obviously I’m gutted, but then again one day everyone and everything in this world will die.”