Woman’s dream meaningless

A 29-YEAR-OLD woman’s bizarre and convoluted dream has no meaning whatsoever, it has been confirmed.

Office worker Nikki Hollis consulted psychologists after last night’s long, surreal dream which seemed rich with symbolism and subtext.

She said: “A bear bit me on the hand. And then I was with my sister and she was getting married to Daniel Craig but it wasn’t Daniel Craig, if you get what I mean?

“Then the bear and Daniel Craig were walking around some woods in the rain, looking for an Ikea.

“Suddenly I was on a plane going to Australia for a wedding when the cockpit door opened and the bear was flying the plane. John Travolta and Mel Gibson came past in a hot air balloon.

“I know there’s a message there. It means something – but what? Probably it’s about fear of change.”

However psychologist Mary Fisher said: “It’s just a load of weird shit happening in a row. Maybe don’t eat cheese late.”

Hollis has since bought a book from Amazon called Mysteries of Dreams Unlocked, which has a section on ‘Daniel Craig bear dreams’.

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Osborne's attempt to bond with builders ends with threat to have them all killed

GEORGE Osborne has threatened to ‘disappear’ everyone on a building site after they criticised his bricklaying technique.

The chancellor put on a hard hat to promote Tory home-building plans, then engaged in a bit of pretend building.

Osborne said: “This is actually where I feel most comfortable. On a building site, with real honest working men.

“I would probably be a builder if my life and family background were completely different. I love working with bricks.”

However builder Wayne Hayes said: “You’re putting on a bit too much mortar there.”

Osborne replied: “I’ll put on as much or as little mortar as I fucking well want.

“One phone call and you’re all fucking dead. Seriously I have done that before and I can do it now.

“Your lives are not important.”

Ten minutes later he left the site, bidding the builders farewell: “Cheers everyone, let’s have loads of pints soon.”