Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve started buying deodorant offering ’48 hour protection’ in a bid to start washing more often.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You still feel that the biggest waste of US government money in the 1980s was writing to rappers to tell them that they were suckers.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Parents need to make their minds up. They say it’s wrong to lie to kids but when you actually do steal their kids’ noses, they go mental.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Bosses at Yellow Pages are unhappy with your ad campaign pitch this week, featuring a 70 year-old man going to various smut shops asking if they have an old gay porn film starring Storm Assblaster. ‘My name….?’
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re glad they don’t use horses to make glue any more. It can’t have been easy operating the equipment with big clunky hooves.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You just found out what the term is for the outcome of a set of actions is. So that’s a result.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This Saturday you compliment the owners of Perfect Fried Chicken on their name, because your idea of a perfect meal is one that leaves you feeling like a pigeon died in your mouth.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Misunderstanding the meaning of the Ice Bucket Challenge, you manage to finish off four bottles of champagne after work on Friday.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your revenge prank on your neighbour ordering loads of takeaway for them every night has backfired somewhat because you keep intercepting the delivery driver and eating the food.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Looks like summer is over. For you anyway, unless your appeal comes through.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Encourage your kids to learn more about wildlife by leaving scraps of food by the back door and watch the wonder on their faces as they see their very first badger, fox or even a feral tramp.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Collect all 52 horoscopes and at the end of the year, you’ll have 52 horoscopes.