Women 'have best sex surveys in their 20s'

WOMEN enjoy the best sex surveys of their lives in their 20s, according to new research.

The survey challenges the findings of earlier sex surveys, which suggested that womens’ sex survey drive peaked in their 40s.

It also found that by their mid-30s, many women had lost interest in sex surveys altogether.

Sex therapist Eleanor Shaw said: “When you’re young, sex surveys are fresh and exciting.

“But as you get older, you realise that reading about what percentage of a group of anonymous strangers have tried a threesome is a deeply unfulfilling experience.

“And it’s only normal that interest in sex surveys should wane as people come to realise they are just thinly veiled plugs for products aimed at women, usually tampons or sex toys.”

The survey, commissioned by sex toy retailer LadyBliss, was released to the press on the understanding that the company name would be mentioned at least once.

Teacher Donna Sheridan, 35, said: “I used to enjoy sex surveys, but I’ve started getting bored with their small sample sizes and shoddy methodology.

“Perhaps if they started experimenting with different font sizes, radical typefaces like ‘Wingdings’, or weirder questions like ‘Have you ever painted your whole body green then seduced your lover while wearing a gas mask and holding a kumquat?’ it might spice things up and revive my flagging sex survey life.”





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Lost rave tribe found beneath Hacienda

A SEMI-MYTHICAL group of troglodyte ravers has been discovered by workmen at Manchester’s legendary Hacienda.

Workmen in the former nightclub were alerted by muffled sounds of uplifting piano house coming from behind a wall.

Further excavation revealed over 140 sealed-in ‘lost’ ravers – who now refer to themselves as the Gurnites and operate a simple barter economy based on drugs, cigarettes and bottled water – making repetitive movements while sucking dummies.

Rave historian Nikki Hollis said: “It’s a long-standing rumour that when the Hacienda closed, a group of truly hardcore dancers decided to wall themselves up in its basement rather than face the demise of dance culture.

“Several hundred baggy-trousered E-heads, along with DJ Graeme Park and a decent sized sound system remained in the bowels of the building, determined that the party would continue forever.

“But until now I just thought it was one of those club culture myths, like ‘the friendly bouncer’.”

Builder Stephen Malley said: “They’d been living on dirty condensation leaking from overhead pipes then bottled and re-sold as ‘mineral water’ at £5 a pop.

“The room stinks of Vicks and there are bug-eyed near-skeletons blowing whistles and shouting ‘fucking come on’. It’s pretty old school in there.”

Plans are now afoot to let the Gurnites continue their decades-long party as a kind of living museum.

Manchester city councillor Tom Logan said: “We hope that school groups can visit the eternal ravers and learn about what youth culture used to be like before it got ruined by corporate sponsorship.

“And also of course the physical and mental effects of getting ‘one more tune’ 300,000 times in a row.”