Women Sad About Something, Say Men

WOMEN across Britain seem to be terribly sad about something, men said today.

In homes and offices throughout the country men have noticed women consoling each other and comparing observations about what seems to be a very sad event.

Bill McKay, a man from Peterborough, said: "I'm not exactly sure what it is they're sad about. Has it got something to do with the cricket?

"Come to think of it I haven't noticed all the women being this sad together since, oh, it must be September 1997. They were sad for quite a long time back then. God only knows what that was all about, though it must have been very sad because I remember tripping over flowers everywhere I went for at least a fortnight.

"I suppose I should ask why they're sad but that might involve being sucked into a conversation about the sad thing, and while I don't yet know what that is, I am pretty sure I don't care."

Tom Logan, from Chester, said: "Will being sad about the sad thing get me more sex, or will it make people think I'm gay? It's a very difficult time."

Professsor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, stressed that not all the women were sad, especially the ones with attention spans longer than a photo caption.

He added: "There are some women who will not need counselling at a time like this. But only some."

Meanwhile Emma Bradford, a woman from Guildford, said: "It's all so sad. So very, very sad. What else is on?"

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Energy Companies Forced To Come Up With New Range Of Bullshit Excuses

ENERGY companies will be forced to invent a new range of bullshit excuses for putting up prices whenever they feel like it, it emerged today.

Industry regulator Ofgem is set to impose new rules after an investigation revealed that the 'wholesale energy markets', blamed for a series of price hikes in recent years, do not actually exist.

An Ofgem spokesman said : "When we asked the companies where they get their energy from they all said it was from some guy called Ishmael who runs a market stall in Uzbekistan.

"They gave us directions and sure enough eight days later we found ourselves in the middle of nowhere face to face with a confused looking man and a herd of camels."

"We asked him if he knew Ishmael or the whereabouts of the wholesale energy market but he just laughed and then asked us which of his 'girls' we would like to have sex with."

The six big energy companies will now be banned from even mentioning wholesale markets and must each come up with a different bullshit excuse to prevent any suspicion of price fixing.

Powergen has already responded to the new regulations, claiming it has been forced to increase prices by 8% after its April batch of electricity was stolen from the boot of its car by a gang of Irish gypsies.

Meanwhile a spokesman for rivals E-On said: "Someone left a gate open on our gas farm and all the gas escaped and we had to hire a load of cowboys to round up the gas and that means the price of gas has to go up again, sorry."

However Ofgem stressed the energy companies will still be allowed to charge extra for so-called 'green' electricity as long as guilty middle class people are stupid enough to pay for it.