RAFAEL Benitez has signed a new contract which will see him blame other people for Liverpool’s failures until 2014.
The coach, linked recently to Real Madrid, said his love for the city, for the fans and for apportioning his shortcomings to a varied cast of largely irrelevant bystanders was 'impossible to resist'.
After months of wrangling, Liverpool chiefs agreed to new clauses which will allow Benitez to berate one board member a month for the team's failure to beat a recently-promoted Championship side.
He will also be allowed to blame Sir Alex Ferguson's eyebrows, the influence of Mercury in Virgo and all refereeing decisions, including those that have nothing whatsoever to do with Liverpool.
One sticking point was the manager's control over transfer budgets, with previous signings including a blind, 80-year old Spanish midget, a large Spanish tomato with a picture of a footballer drawn on it and Jermaine Pennant.
It has also emerged that Benitez insisted the negotiations were conducted in front of a large screen showing the recent goals against Manchester United and Real Madrid, as he gestured periodically while muttering 'muchos dineros' to himself.
Owner Tom Hicks said: "I was never worried that Rafa would quit Anfield. We are, after all, paying him four million pounds a year to produce the kind of football that would cause an amphetamine-fuelled Jonathan Pearce to slip into a coma."
Man Utd boss Sir Alex Ferguson also welcomed the new contract adding that he was relishing another five years of attempting to gradually nudge his rival into complete insanity.